Grief, Loss and Treasures

The call came yesterday to let us know my father-in-law was in his final hours.  My husband made a flight reservation for this morning at 10:00.  We woke this morning with a message on our answering machine from his mom,  "This is Mom, Hon.  Pick up the phone if you can hear me."

His dad passed quietly some time before midnight.  He had hoped to get there before his passing but is grateful that his dad is no longer suffering.  We cried and held each other.  It was a somber morning.  My stepson and I will make our reservations today.

I told my husband to be careful, to be diligent to not fall as I did because it was miserable.  I told him that it no longer felt normal or comfortable to be in that unhealthy dysfunctional place but it was still hard for me to find my way to getting out of it.  I don't want him to miss out on the important process of grieving and staying connected to himself and our family.

From the time my father-in-law was diagnosed several months ago he has been the picture of grace.  It seemed as though all that was good in him amplfied as time went on.  All that was not his true self slipped away little by little.  It has been an honor to witness him.  He amazed us all and has left us with a tremendous gift.  The chemo treatment never worked for him so we knew he was terminal from a couple of months after his diagnosis.  He was grateful for the days he had and said he had had a good life.  He was at peace.  

When we were there he was still wanting to have people do things around the house for his wife that he would usually do himself.  We put plants in the ground and in pots.  My husband and his brother re-did the bathroom floor in the master bedroom.  Even as he could no longer walk on his own or barely eat he was on the phone hiring someone to resurface the driveway.  He always liked taking care of his family.  He smiled a broad smile with satisfaction when his sons took him in the wheelchair to see the new plants and bathroom.  He did the same as he could see the driveway out the door from the bed hospice had delivered.  It was as if he couldn't go until he felt these things were completed.  You could see in his eyes he was going through his mental checklist.

Sometimes in the early morning hours I would see my in-laws sitting on the couch, his head nestled up into her neck.   Her arm would be  wrapped around him while her lips were pressed tenderly to his forehead, their eyes closed and fingers entertwined.  I would creep away as not to disturb them.  They would sit like that for long periods of time.  It was deeply touching to get a glimpse of and yet too private for me to linger and watch.  

He always called his kids, "Hon" even to this day.  He held all of us close when we hugged him while there.  He reminisced over family childhood stories both happy and difficult (of course those are even humorous when reflecting years later).  I could see how meaningful it was to everyone.  

Shortly before we were leaving from our recent trip my husband thanked his dad for "being you".  His brother stood with him and their father thanked them for being who they were.  He told them he was so proud of them.  My husband thanked his dad for never quittting on them.  He said that no matter what they did, no matter the mistakes they had made in life that he was always there for them, encouraging them to succeed.  He told him it taught them to not be afraid to believe they could accomplish what they wanted in life.  We all cried.  His mom and I left the room to give them privacy.  They had an intimate talk and their dad finished with, "I'll see you on the other side".  I went in and put my cheek to his.  I told him I loved him and that he had shown such grace, courage and sweetness throughout.  He said he loved me too but he wasn't so sure about how sweet he was.  I thanked him for being my husband's dad and for giving him to me.  We said goodbye. 

In the end he died as he wanted.  In his own home with those who loved him around him.  His breathing had become very labored the last couple of days and he was moaning in the night.  My husband and I agreed that his dad would not be one to hang around suffering in pain for long.  We said he would just decide for himself when he would die.  There would be no succumbing to it or being ravaged by it.  He wouldn't run from it and that's exactly what he did.   

Although he had told his sons to look after and take care of their mom several times since facing his death, he told them in parting once more to take care of her.  We live several miles away but I know my husband will keep his promise to his father.       

Codie Relapse

I’ve felt really strained.  I’d been worrying about my husband relapsing due to all the extreme changes happening in our life (see previous post for details).  I was so concerned about seeing and heading off a relapse in him that I missed that I was fast approaching my own codie relapse. 

 My husband drove to pick up his son from school.  I was flying to where his family lives and they were planning on picking me up at the airport.  When I got to the airport, I was floored by my obsession with every attractive woman that passed by me.  I was literally scanning the airport for “babes”!  I was totally and utterly obsessed with attempting to view each woman as my husband might and figure out where he would find the “charge” in each one of them.  It felt horrible and yet I was beyond the point of stopping myself.  I would look at their front sides and then rubberneck to check out their asses as they passed by.  I objectified and sized up every woman I saw and felt jealous of them.  I felt as if I would vomit and my head felt sort of fuzzy.  I felt disoriented.  I’d never experienced anything like this before.  I was jealous and angry about these women and my husband wasn’t even there!  It was bizarre.  I thought about how well we had been doing for some time now and feared it was all an illusion.  I’d gone days at a time without thinking about or fearing his addictions but there I was in the airport with my heart pounding, a lump in my throat and hearing my own shallow breaths move in and out.  It was especially sad to me that I felt so separate and isolated from my own gender as I have always had an all encompassing connection with other women.  I’ve always described myself as, a “Woman’s” woman.

 I managed to get some kind of grip on myself before my husband and family picked me up at the airport.  I didn’t share it with my husband as we were dealing with enough already but the same thing happened a week later when I flew back home.  I sat next to a lovely woman on the plane ride home.  We enjoyed one another’s company, talking during the entire 3 hour flight.  My mind and eyes drifted even as we spoke to take note of how pretty she was and that she had breast implants.  It was obvious for me to tell with her very low cut shirt and I found myself wondering how my husband would have responded sitting next to her for such a length of time.  Would they have talked the whole time?  Flirted? Would his addiction have tripped off?  Would he later fantasize about her?

 When my husband got back home I shared my struggle with him.  He’s got a great deal on his mind, so I don’t think he fully grasped the intensity of my plight, understandably. Unaware, he did a couple of things that I found quite triggering.  I really overreacted both times……..there was certainly not much in the way of healthy response coming from within me. I pretty much left the poor guy reeling with bewilderment.  He was baffled and I found myself explaining again what I had been going through.  This time he got it.  Our talk was right before going to bed.  He suggested that I read from his AA book pages 62 and 63 on the third step.  He said to start where he had the page hi-lighted and go up to the 3^rd step prayer.  “You need it.  Read it every morning for 4 days’, he said. 

 The next morning I sat down to read it.  I had to laugh.  Good thing he didn’t tell me to read it the night before because I was still quite peevish.  He suggested that I read it in a very loving way but , uh….whoa…..tough words and yes, I got it.

 ”Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or self-pity?  Selfishness – self-centered!  That we think, is the root of our troubles.  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusions, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows……..So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.  They arise out of ourselves, and ……is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he doesn’t usually think so.  Above everything, we…must be rid of this selfishness.  We must or it will kill us!  God makes that possible.”   

 It’s been really difficult to get myself back on track.  A real struggle.  It has really felt miserable.  Reading what he suggested started the shift for me – it was immediate.  I called him chuckling and thanked him for the hardcore message.  I told him he was smooth in his delivery to get me to read and be open to it.  I said that I got it.  He responded playfully, “Why should you be any different from the rest of us?” 

Family Stuff

We went on vacation in April, then I was sick, and my father-in-law has come to the final stages of passing from cancer so we’ve been away to be with family.  A lot has been going on.  My husband got a job promotion (more money but more hours) and my stepson is home from his first year of college.  He went quite a distance away from home for college.  We didn’t think it was a good idea for him but his mom was hell-bent on it and convinced their son it was the best thing for him.  He did okay academically the first semester but bombed the second semester.  He was really homesick and got deeply depressed to the point of being suicidal.  The worst thing about all of it is that he acted as if everything was fine and none of us knew what was happening.  My husband put out a lot of money for his son’s education last year.  My stepson also got financial aid based on his mom’s income (or lack of), along with academic scholarships and work study.  He lost some of his financial aid because he was so depressed he missed the dead line and his mom didn't pay attention to her end of being responsible.  He also lost his scholarships based on academic excellence because he failed several of his classes the last semester.

 We knew he lost a great deal of his financial aid prior to my husband driving up to get him from school and we knew he was upset.  We found out the rest upon my husband arriving at school.  He was stunned to find the mental state that his son was in.  His son said he didn’t tell anyone because he thought he was just supposed to make it all work.  It was heartbreaking.  He said he got so scared a couple of times that he almost called a suicide hotline.  Both my husband and I feel that too much was demanded and expected of him from his mom.  We’ve done our best to lift his self-esteem and help him understand how much he had taken on for his first year.  He doesn’t want to go back and his grade point average dropped so low he can’t even get accepted by an in-state college.  He’ll have to go to our community college to bring his GPA up to get into a better school.  He’s also temporarily lost his full scholarship to any in-state college but we believe he has a probation period to bring up his GPA and reclaim it.

 Meanwhile, his relationship with his mom is rocky .  We were with family for a week and he only spoke with her once.  Now, we’ve been home for a week and he has spent approx. 2 hrs. with her.   We don’t know the specifics as my stepson completely shuts us out if he is asked about it or he hears there has been communication between his parents over him.  His mom has expressed great annoyance and anger toward her son to my husband.  I have a sense that she is expecting him to go back to the same college regardless of the issues at hand.  She tends to be unreasonable.  My husband has not communicated with her other than to leave her a message that he picked their son up and that he was doing better.  He knows if he shares info that their son has not shared with her that he will stop communicating with him which at this point seems a dangerous thing to do.  We need the door of communication open.  It's very frightening to know that he was going through so much and never turned to one of his parents.  My husband has requested that their son talk to his mom and let her know where he is at and what he wants and he has agreed to do so.

 My father-in-law is failing quickly at this point.  My husband’s never lost anyone that he has loved deeply.  He’s never experienced the enormity of such loss.  I have and know there is no way to really prepare someone for the gravity and enormity of the grieving process.  It's always hard being with your entire family and re-experiencing childhood dynamics too, not to mention the new insights gained in family dysfunctions.  Family tragedies and losses tend to amplify our patterns - both healthy and unhealthy.  My husband found himself surprized and overwhelmed at times.  With all this is on his shoulders, I have been very worried about how it will affect him and if he will have trouble with his addictions.  

I know I'm seriously stressed about all of these things.  My husband already worked a lot of hours and now it's even more.  I'm concerned that the raise he got will all end up going to his son.  I feel my husband over gives to the detriment of his son and to us.  There will be the issue of transportation for my stepson.  He doesn't currently have a car.  If my stepson lives with us, doesn't have to pay for his food, dorm, or laundry then I think it would be best if he buys his own car from the money his dad is already giving him.  I'm sure my husband will continue to contribute the financial amount he has been to his son.  My stepson also has quite a bit of his own money in savings.  This is an area we have argued about in the past.  My husband always says he won't give more but one way or another he does.  I've almost come to expect it.  We need a new car and he has already talked about giving the current one to my stepson when we get one.  We've gone over this already, not to mention my daughter asked a couple times about the car and I told her no.  How's that going to feel to her?  The car is a "lemon" too - it's been a total money pit.  I don't seem to be able to have any great affect in talking to him about it.  He usually just goes ahead and does it behind my back, pretending to both himself and me that he isn't overstepping our agreement.    I've been praying over how to handle it but I just feel tired about it.

I guess the best thing is to not let myself get too upset or caught up in it for the moment.  I doubt trying to control it will get me anything more than ulcers and headaches.  Ahh, well.........family.           

The Complete Yoga of Emotional-Sexual Life

The Way Beyond Ego-Based Sexuality

written by AVATAR ADI DA SAMRAJ 

http://store.innertraditions.com/Product.jmdx?action=displayDetail&id=3640&searchString=978-1-59477-258-0&textTypeIdDisplay=699&selectedTextTypeKeynames=18&displayHandleGroup=PRODUCT_HANDLE,_ONIX_PRODUCT

Back Cover Copy

SEXUALITY / RELIGION 

“In this inspiring book, Avatar Adi Da Samraj helps the reader understand the need for the integration of body, mind, and spirit to create true and comprehensive intimacy. He reveals, in a captivating and persuasive fashion, how the emotional patterning that hinders healthy sexual relationships can be overcome. This is a book for the many people trying to find a way to make their intimate sexual relationship compatible with a life of real spiritual practice.” 
--Birgit Wolz, Ph.D., marriage and family therapist and author ofE-Motion Picture Magic 

In all the domains of human life, we now understand the need for an integration of body, mind, and spirit. But despite this comprehension of the holistic nature of existence, much of the teaching offered on sexuality--even sacred sexuality--concentrates on the physical practice, to the detriment of emotional intimacy. Avatar Adi Da Samraj explains that our emotional-sexual life can only be made right through the process of restoring the bipolar balance of the body and by transcending the ego, the illusory sense of separate existence. 

He advocates that sexual practice initially become a solitary yogic discipline--embracing and reclaiming of one’s own body--to restore the bipolar integrity that is at the core of every human being. Once this bipolar integrity is established, he shows how a sexual practice of true intimacy--free of clinging attachment--is possible. He also teaches that an unconscious, early childhood reaction to the mother and father governs the emotional-sexual life, a reaction that must be understood and transcended. The emotional-sexual practices taught by Avatar Adi Da are centered in the understanding that love breaks the heart and show that learning how to have intimacy without ego-based attachment is where profound practice begins. 

Here Comes the Sun

This is a really happy video of the Beatles. Things have felt really hard for a long time but it feels like the sun has started to shine in my life again.

Mission Accomplished

I'm truly grateful for the personal progress that I had by letting go of control and deciding to enjoy myself the day of my husband's conference.  I had many moments of sheer joy and a deep sense of freedom.  It felt good to not let my husband's failure to follow through knock me for a loop.   Inner strength was oozing from my pores.  It had nothing to do with how I chose to spend my time externally, but where I chose to spend my time internally.  I won't forget this......I'll do instant recall when the urge to go back to old ways whispers or even shouts in my ear.  I'm sure the urge to slip into ingrained patterns will be too strong to avoid at times, but at least I know I can and do have the ability to do something very different for myself.

I have to say that by around 5:ish that evening when I hadn't heard from my husband, I started to have a sense of inner agitation.  I was heading home from errands.  My mind started to drift to thoughts of the way he just forgets things.  I started to realize that I had no idea what time he was going to be home.....hhhmmm, what about dinner?  I didn't want to plan our evening because usually the tech team will go and get a bite to eat after things are wrapped up, although my husband has at times slipped out of going.  It got to be 5:30 and I was plain annoyed that I hadn't heard from him even regarding the evening.  I certainly didn't feel like waiting for him to decide to let me know so I started musing about making plans for myself.  My cell phone rang.

"Hey Honey.  The conference is finishing up.  Everything went great without a hitch.  It was smooth and a great success."

"That's great, I'm glad it went well.  You sound happy."

"Yeah, there were no big problems and the entire day was enjoyable.  Everyone seemed pleased.  Oh, and there was no problem with that person.  She wasn't even there.  It was a non-issue"

"You forgot to take the letter."

(still very upbeat)  "I know.  I didn't have a thought about the situation all morning until I walked into the exhibition hall.  I felt my pocket and realized I didn't have it.  I figured I forgot it but it all worked out fine....total non-issue.  I saw *Maggie* from a distance (let me fill you in - the woman that works with "what's her face", the person they flirted in front of at the June conference and whom "what's her face" later got my husband's cell # from in the middle of the night to text him to come to the bar they were at - thank God he was drunk and passed out), but we never made eye contact, I don't think she even saw me and the other person wasn't there.  So it really was a non-issue.  Well, I don't mean it wa a non-issue but no problems arose and all went well."

"That's good to hear............."

"The team is heading over to Duffy's for a quick bite to eat and I feel as though I should make an appearance.  I feel fine....no desire to drink or anything.  I'll only stay for about an hour, get a fish sandwich, but I'll still want to eat with you when I get home (undertone of reassurance - I want to be with you)."

I'm thinking (as my annoyance is rising)........not sure I'm feeling the love at the moment in terms of the rest of the evening. 

"Uhm, uh, well, I had no idea when you were coming home or what was going on and since I didn't feel like waiting around, I've been pondering how I wanted to spend my evening.  I'm feeling agitated and annoyed but I don't fully have all my thoughts pulled together over it.  I was upset this morning when I saw the letter left behind.....I worked through it and had a great day but in the last half hour or so I've been agitated and it's increasing as we talk.  Call me when your leaving to see if I'm home.  I may go to a movie."

"I understand.  You don't want to feel like you're waiting on me.  I'll probably be home around 7:00 but I understand if you want to make other plans.  I'm glad you had a good day."

"Okay, talk to you later.  I'll have my cell phone with me."

I'm glad you had a good day!?  Okay....really, I mean really, he didn't just say that?  yup....that's what he said.   I did have a good day but he is seriously so clueless.....clueless...I start to reflect on his day and realize that he never thought of me.  Not when he realized he forgot the letter, not when he realized she didn't attend.  It blows my mind that he never thought to call and give me a single word of encouragement, solace or information.  What can I do but just recognize where he is inside himself and do what I can to take care of myself.

I have to say that even in my annoyance my feelings were not hurt by his behavior.  I don't know if it is because he's done this so many times that it's like an old hat or my sense of self didn't feel connected to whether or not he found me important enough to take the letter or even call me during the day.  I know I am important and felt like I wasn't going to get dragged down by whatever his issues about it were.  We had defined the action we would take as a couple when this day came with our therapist and it was about my husband helping me feel safe.  I thank God that I have gained enough strength that my well-being was not invested in his behavior or choices.  

I called him back within a few minutes of our original conversation and told him I knew why I was agitated and annoyed.  I explained my above feelings and finished with telling him that he doesn't think of me and that it's all about him.  He was calm and measured, telling me that he heard that I felt that way but that he didn't agree, that he does think of me and care about my feelings.  He maintained his composure but I knew he felt annoyed right back at me.  He was also very tired from all the days of prepping and completing the conference.  We said goodbye.

I didn't leave the house (no running).  We talked again when he got home.  I do have to say that he was exhausted.  He explained how he felt as though he had done everything he was supposed to have done by writing the letter and setting the boundary.  He felt certain that she read it and didn't come to the conference because of it.  He had felt she read it all along and for him he felt validated that his instincts were correct.  I acknowledged that he had done a good job and that apparently his instincts were correct......but, those instincts were about him and the woman.  The agreement we made was about the two of us.  

When he first came up with the idea to write letters the decision was made that no letter would be sent w/out both of us having joint final agreement over it.  He forgot that when he sent the email to her.  I wouldn't have felt comfortable with what he had done in an attempt to protect the two of them because it was done through their job connection.  I had deep reservations that she may think it was a virus even though he felt good about it.  We spent an entire therapy session on how he had not remained with our original agreement and what were we going to do to help me feel more secure.  He ended up with the suggestion to take a copy with him.  I felt better.

The other night he said, "How can I make it right?"  I said, "This was supposed to be the make it right.  Forget it.  You'll just have to focus on what you can learn from it and so will I."  He's really sorry and knows I'm sick of having this repeat for us and he is sick of it too.  He said he has a problem with getting caught up in things and not thinking past himself.  He's sorry that he forgets me.

I still feel happy inside.  I feel detached but not closed.  I love him.  I'm glad I don't feel as though I have been caused further damage.  I've learned a great deal from this experience.  It feels so good to not have PTSD kick my ass.  It's not what I set out to gain that day but it sure feels good to have accomplished it.                  

Mission Impossible

Today is the conference that my husband's company is presenting.  We know that the company of the woman that he flagrantly flirted with at a conference last June will be there.  We don't know who will be there for their company.  He already sent her the boundary and closure letter a couple of months ago.  Because of how he titled the email, there is some doubt as to whether she opened it up or not.  The plan was that my husband would take a copy of it with him today to pass on to her if her behavior exhibited that she did not, in fact open it.  

He has a great deal of responsibility in terms of overseeing the success of the conference in it's entirety, meaning he's the guy that gets the calls for any problem or need that comes up for anyone and everyone during the conference.  He's been super busy and very job focused.  I decided it would be best if I just asked him last night if he had printed out the letter.  He hadn't, but he did so and put the letter in an envelope with the clothes he intended to wear today. When I woke up I saw that the letter had been absentmindedly left behind.

I had an immediate inner reaction....  "Asshole, you're going to be at a conference where you will absolutely run into this woman if she's there and you didn't take the f-ing letter.  What a dipshit".  Yeah, I know I sound bitchy and condescending.  Now what, I thought.  How do I take care of myself?  How do I honor myself?  What about my boundaries?  What about our agreement?  Why does he put me in these positions when it could be so easy?  Why, why why?? Damn crazy ass husband.

I knew I was kicking into my defense of how to protect myself from people causing me harm but I let myself ask all the inner questions, figuring I'd process to the right conclusion in the end.  Should I call him and calmly inform him that he forgot the letter?  Should I drive 20 miles and hand deliver it to him w/out notice?  Is that what I needed to feel safe?  Maybe I'll just call and tell him how much I appreciate that he thought of me and took the letter only to make him tell me he forgot it?  Should I decide that I don't give a shit?  Maybe I should be pissed off all day and kick his ass when he gets home for HIM putting me through this. I could use a sharpy marker and write OOOOPS in bold letters on the envelope for him to inadvertantly find later.  Okay, now my thoughts were getting just plain mean.  Mental wresting time over!  Let go of any of the ways you may have dealt with this in the past and look for a different path to take....maybe something entirely unexpected, I told myself.

I would have preferred that he remembered the letter.  That would have been my best case scenario.  That didn't happen so what's the point of kicking my feet like a baby over it?  I asked myself right now in this moment what was most important to me.  My answer was my own mental and emotional health.  All of the actions that ran through my mind above would not make me feel any better, in fact they would probably make me more bothered.  

There is no action that I could take on my behalf to fix what I wanted to have happen. That's no longer an option.  

This thought is revolutionary for me...huge.  I realize how many times that my reactions have been based on a, "I want you to take this back" mode.  How futile is that? Pretty damn futile - impossible, completely impossible.  Can't be done - no way, no how.

I asked for inner guidance to help me see the whole thing in a new light.  What can I learn from this?  

-I am powerless over the choices of others.

-I accept that I'm not getting what I wanted.

-I recognize that my husband is compartmentalized and has trouble juggling things when their not in the same mental basket.

-My husband is still a work in progress.

- I'm still a work in progress

- I need to keep my inner safety gauge with my husband in line with his actions - trust him in    accordance to his growth not my expectations of him. Take this as an indicator of where he is.  Oh yeah,  and accept that too (w/out anger and judgement).

- I like where I am within myself and don't feel like compromising it over him (at least not today)

- I choose to revel in my current sense of happiness and joy.

- I don't have the time or energy to waste on what he created.

- he will find his own way in whatever he is faced with today and that will be his lesson.

- the woman may not even be there and I am not wasting an entire day worrying about it.

- I own this day and will not turn it over to others.  I stand in my own shoes.

Thank you God,  for the blessing of the many awarenesses I have received by things not happening as planned.  I feel thankful and grateful for the opportunity to practice the spiritual principles that I want to be integrated more deeply in my daily life.  Thank you for helping me drop my codependency and defenses just a little bit more today.  

Now I'm off to do my yoga.