Cutting the Cords of My Past

continued.......

Several years ago, I worked with an energy healer trained through Barbara Brennan School of Healing. Barbara Brennan is a former NASA physicist that teaches a healing modality based on the Human Energy-Consciousness System. I spent five years working with this particular healer. I learned a lot through him about the human energy field: sensing, reading, seeing and feeling it. One of the things we did was cord cutting. Knowing how to sense the cords and disconnecting them proved helpful and healing through my divorce. Whenever I could feel my soon-to-be (or even post divorce) husband's stifling energy moving in on me, in my mind's eye, I would pull out my "spiritual scissors" and cut the cord...just release him and release myself. I hadn't thought about it regarding my childhood wound about my dad. I had already healed and released plenty while working with this healer but sexual addiction wasn't even in my consciousness during that time span, nor was I remotely aware of the pain that my dad's behavior caused me. I knew how effective this technique had been for me and I was anxious to use it on releasing my attachment to my dad's sexuality.

The lights were low. The walls were painted a soft, barely there soothing dusty pink color. There was probably between 12-14 people sitting in a semi-circle facing the woman that lead the class. She explained the process of cord cutting and the meditation we would all do to release whatever each of us had come for. Her particular meditation would be using Arch Angel Michael to cut the cord with a sword of white light. She told the group that during the meditation we would see a visual of where in our bodies that the cords were connected and that it would be different for everyone. One of the most important things she said was, "Never cut cords that are attached to the heart. We always want to release others, situations or thought forms through love...never anger". She went on to explain that it doesn't mean you are cutting that person out of your life but that you are cutting the bond to that aspect of your relationship with the person. "Don't be surprised if you find a message on your cell from the person that you have chosen for this meditation. Often people report that calls came during the meditation process. It is also common to have to continue to bring up the image of the cord cutting for a time so as not to allow the cords to reconnect. It isn't always a one time thing".

The teacher prepared us to start the meditation. Some chose to sit in their chairs, some sat on the floor and others chose to lay down on mats. I sat in the traditional cross legged yoga pose. I immediately felt a lot of heat in my second and third chakras - stomach and abdomen. She did the usual soothing talk to help everyone get grounded and connected to self and spirit. She had us visualize walking down a long hall to open a door that was filled with a soothing white light. We were told to invite into the room anyone we wanted to help us with the process - God, Jesus, Angels, Guides, loved ones that had passed over, whatever felt right to us as individuals. Since she was choosing to use Arch Angel Michael he was to be present for all of us. To my surprise my mom showed up in my visualization (she passed several yrs. ago). I said to her, "What? I don't think so", and she disappeared. We were guided to bring up the image of a big white screen and to allow a holographic image of the person we wanted to cut cords with to appear on that screen. She told us that that person could not talk but that we were free to say whatever we chose to them. I saw the image of my dad. I didn't feel anger toward him. As I got ready to speak to him my mother appeared on the screen next to him. I was perplexed to see her again but then I saw the cords coming out of both of their bodies, joining to one large cord that attached into my body. Then I understood how much a part of my wounding she had been because she gave me the information as a child. She was continually telling the details of his behavior. I was calm and loving to my parents. I just told them that I didn't want to carry around what they had dumped on me for so many years. I told them both how much their behaviors hurt and wounded me. I was giving them back what belonged to them. The woman guided us to allow Arch Angel Michael to cut the cords that attached us to what we wanted freedom from. As the cord was cut from my body it split into the cords that came from my parents bodies and went back inside of them. I realized at this point that my parents had been holding each of my hands and after the cords went back inside of them they just slowly released my hands and disappeared. It had been completed.

After the meditation was finished the woman asked how everyone felt. I decided to share my experience because it was a very powerful one that left me feeling transformed and free. I only said that it had to do with a deep childhood wound that I had only become aware of in the last year and a half. Several people commented on how different my countenance was from before the meditation took place. I told the group that I had done the cord cutting in the past and that it had taken me several months of repeating the process before I no longer felt tied to or triggered by that person.

Driving home, I decided that I would start using the symbol of cord cutting whenever I thought about SA in a triggering or panicked way in relation to anyone, myself included. My dad called me four times consecutively on my home phone the next morning w/out leaving a message. He then immediately called my cell phone but left no message. I didn't feel ready to talk to him. The following day I was at my cranio-sacral appointment and shared my experience with her. When I left her office I had a message on my cell from my dad, "Ive been trying to reach you for days! Why are you running away from me???" Days? hhhhmmm....

I have gained a great deal of healthy detachment from this process and I continue to do it...I cut and release. It gets me centered and out of my dysfunction. I continue to feel greater freedom from the affects of SA. When I think of my childhood wound there is only a minimal sense of sadness left with it. I don't experience the intense pain I had before. When dealing with issues concerning my husband I am able to respond from a place that is much more "adult" and not so concerned about being hurt beyond repair.

As for the woman working with my husband - she got the job. My husband said that she is different, toned down. He has no idea if the boss spoke to her about the flirting attitude or not. He hasn't been around her much but it doesn't really matter. It's about my husband being responsible for himself as I do the same for myself. Could it become a problem? I suppose so. Could it end up a non-issue? Maybe. I am amazed that I have gone from thinking that I wouldn't be able to cope with her being there to hardly ever thinking of it and if I do I can cut my attachment to outcomes. I've only felt the need to ask my husband twice about her since she started a few weeks ago. Each time he has been open and non-defensive. The conversations have been good for both of us. I trust that if I keep myself clear I'll know what I need to know. The Universe will provide.

I lost my faith for a long time. Of late, I have developed a new kind of faith. A faith that tells me I am safe to trust the Universe. A faith that tells me I never lost that safety, only my perception of it. My God is benevolent. I understand why these things have happened to me. I was hiding from myself. I ask to be shown the areas that are hidden from my view, that the light would shine on the shadows of my soul for me to see the thoughts, beliefs and behaviors needed to be released to allow me to be more fully who I am.

Opportunity for Freedom

I was at a going away party for a woman that worked with my husband. It was a small group – just their department. There was a woman there that I didn’t know but I surely sensed her. She was putting out some pretty intense sexual energy. She was an attractive woman in her early 30’s. I was introduced to her shortly after I arrived and shortly before she left. I felt triggered by her brief presence. I acknowledged my feelings to myself and then set it aside so I could honor the much loved co-worker that would be greatly missed.

I asked about her when we got home. My husband was really open and comfortable talking about her and answering my questions. He said that he met her about a year ago but had little work contact with her (same organization-different location). He said her energy was obvious to him from the start so he had always kept firm boundaries (and distance) with her but that it was something she did with all men that allowed it. I had noticed her flirtation with a married man at the party. He also told me that she was applying for one of the three job positions that were open in his department. I felt my heart skip a beat or two.

I had been surrendering so much on a daily basis and I was still getting hit with one more thing to tell me how damn powerless I was over others and the circumstances that were coming into my life. I had trouble with this one. My mind felt as if this wouldn’t be coming into my husband’s sphere if he didn’t need some big time lesson and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around to witness it. I was very concerned and thinking about whether this woman was going to get the job or not. Was this a message for me about my husband’s recovery? What does it mean if she does get the job? I doubted I could cope with her being around my husband for numerous hours daily, especially as some of his inappropriate interactions with women have occurred through his occupation. I had my usual reaction of wanting to bolt….just run away from it.

My husband was getting pretty stressed out over my feelings and reactions. He said he didn’t think he would have a problem with her. He didn’t want her to get the job because he was more concerned about dealing with me than her. He didn’t have any control over whether she was chosen or not. She ended up in the top five. His boss asked his opinion. They spoke about each person and he did take the opportunity to mention concerns over her behavior. His boss had noticed and agreed. The hiring process dragged out over a few weeks.

I was damn tired of SA drama…..but what I realized I was mostly tired over was once again feeling my own intense reaction to SA. I recognized that continuing to turn myself over to God was my only chance to handle this new situation with any form of grace. Here was the part that was my big lesson. I prayed for God to show me a release – I wanted freedom from my own lifelong obsession with sexual transgressions. I know I’ve made a lot of progress but I just wanted to be free of my childhood wound knowing that I would keep attracting these situations until I let go of my unhealthy attachment to the past.

I asked God every day to allow me to see my opportunity for freedom, fearing that I might miss a chance for healing if I didn’t continually reaffirm my willingness. My prayer was a deeply earnest one so I knew the answer would come. I waited and then I saw it. I was looking through a local magazine and there it was....an ad for an upcoming class...the words seemingly jumped off the page to me:

Cutting the Cords of Your Past with *Rene Every*. Release what is no longer working for you in your life, & cut the cords that are binding you to the past. Disconnect the energetic ties & watch yourself transform your life for the better.

...answer to my prayer...

…..to be continued

We're Not So Different

Today I went to an open AA meeting with my husband. I like going with him. I always walk away with a simple treasure or two. There were a lot of "shares" on simple yet powerful reminders of things that help keep people on their path to wellness. I started to think of all the different things I've gathered from those meetings since my husband got back into recovery (and my subsequent recovery) and felt so grateful.

He'd been in recovery for 5 yrs. or so when we met. I'd go to his and his sponsors anniversary meetings. The weekly meetings he went to then were closed meetings. I was proud of his recovery and happy that AA worked for him but I was never sure how much I personally believed in the program. Looking back I guess it was a way for me to feel disconnected from his history. I never even picked up his Big Book until after he relapsed and got back to recovery.

Today when I go, I hear and see the courage of those that keep coming in order to live above their illness - even when they relapse. I hear people say that they want to remember how bad they once were because theirs is a dangerous disease that tells them they have no disease. Someone else said that they need to tell themselves every day their life without a higher power is unmanageable. Others come up with clever twists to the steps to bring more personal meaning to them with things like, "My life is unmanageable because I'm not supposed to be managing it", or "How unmanageable would my life be if I picked up a drink today?" Some talked about a slip sending them all the way over the edge in a day and others talked about a slow steady march to oblivion but all agreed that from the inside it all looks the same - the inner pain is the same.

I compared it all to my own steady but gruesome fall into hardcore co-dependency with my husband. I can literally pinpoint when I started crossing the line (hindsight is 20/20)....the border line that exists between healthy response and wanting to change things because it was getting too sticky and muddled, too hard for me to understand anymore. Too hard to have compassion because I was gripped with fear and started to feel as helpless as a child. Too much pain.

I realized that I too want to remember how bad I got because I never want to go back there. I want to use it as a reminder of what codependency can do to me and that it too is like a disease that lies and tells me that I can control circumstances or that I'm even supposed to want to. I don't want to forget that life is an unfolding of itself and is ever evolving, emerging and just being what it is. That's the beauty of life. Like the early brush strokes of a painting that is not yet recognizable but ends up as a beautiful piece of artwork.

Recovering addicts remind themselves that their drug of choice will not help with whatever life brings to them at any given time. They remind themselves that a drink will only make a difficult situation worse. It will bring ruin upon them and their loved ones.

I told myself today that as a codependent I want to remember that my desire to think things should be a certain way can also bring ruin upon myself and loved ones. Just as addicts agree that it doesn't matter if you are homeless or living in a beautiful home that in the inner workings of their hearts it's all the same...if their living in addiction the pain and devastation is the same. As codependents we may do very different things than the addict. Our acting out compared to theirs can often look as though we are from another planet than they are but underneath.....the pain of addiction and codependency are the same. The hopeless desperation and shame. Loss of self-esteem and belief in one self. The core wound is usually the same with polar responses to it but it all originates from the same place.

We're not so different - addicts and codependents.

Observer

The last 3-4 months brought me lessons in rapid succession one after another. I felt myself tripping over them daily and all of them were pointing straight at me when I was finally willing to be honest with my core emotions. That's what paying attention to my feelings first has done for me and it has brought me an inner freedom that I doubt I have ever known before. I have discovered a deeper knowing of what Eckart Tolle calls being the "observer" of one's life. When I focus on my feelings in unwanted circumstances, I quickly see what my lesson is and/or gain true awareness into something. It really doesn't have anything to do with the other person, not the part I'm responsible for anyway. If I put too much attention on the circumstance I miss my lesson and settle in on how someone else needs a lesson. I might even be right about their lesson but when I get it backwards, the other person often misses out on their lesson when I step in to facilitate it. At that point, all the other person can see is me missing my lesson. Then we both lose.

I'm learning to have my heart open even if I don't like what another person has done. I can still see the other person and who they truly are. I find it possible to still hold my heart open while not feeling close to my husband at times. Practicing this helps me lose my judgmental attitude. I can be okay with his Truth being different than my Truth. That doesn't mean I have to go along with his Truth and lose mine. It just means that I remain in neutral, which feels pretty good after feeling as though life was such a roller coaster for so long. It may at times look like a roller coaster but I don't have to be on an inner roller coaster.

Melody Beattie has a new book published, The New Codependency, which is phenomenal. It's helped me make some really big shifts from within myself. In the middle of the book she starts to do a reduction of her book in an attempt to drive home the single most important thing she wants the reader or listener (you can get it on audio) to walk away with. As she continues reducing she says something like, If she had only four words to describe what she wanted to tell us she would say, "Be Who You Are". Finally she says if she had only two words it would be, "Know Thyself". But in true Melody Beattie form, the reader gets every adjective possible for us to identify with and not hide from ourselves (yup, I'm a codie).

Healing

Healing is embracing what is most feared; healing is opening what has been closed, softening what has hardened into obstruction, healing is learning to trust life.
- Jeanne Achterberg -

Powerlessness and Facing Myself

*I promise that all my whining in this post turns to self-awareness*

I came back from my father-in-law's funeral with my stepson. My husband stayed behind to be with family for another week. I had been sick with my auto-immune issues since we had been on vacation the first two weeks of April. I spent a couple weeks in bed when we arrived home from that trip. The second week in May we headed to be with the family due to my father-in-law being ill, then turned around and headed back for the funeral. Traveling always gives me health problems so I just stayed sick throughout the entire time and did my best to cope with it along with everything else.

My husband needed support, my mother-in-law needed support, and my stepson had crumbled. The night before my father-in-law died one of our nieces attempted suicide. She was strapped to a hospital bed but it was kept from her grandma ( she didn't seem to notice while in her own grief). They let her leave the hospital for the funeral. I gave all I had to the family but I found myself completely exhausted, drained and in dire need of nurturing. Trouble was, I arrived back home too tired to pick up the phone and speak to anyone. I was too tired and too sick to think straight enough to continue doing the 12 steps at the JWC. Every inch of my body hurt and my brain was in a fog. My husband was gone and I was left in the house with my very moody stepson - sometimes sullen and non-communicative, sometimes arrogant and rude, sometimes as innocent and sweet as a small boy .....and all the way through the cycle again like a roller coaster with him.

God, I felt so tired of being sick and tired of my life circumstances. I felt angry. Angry that I was sick and powerless over it. Angry that exactly what I thought would happen to my stepson had and I had been powerless to have input into the choices that put him there. I was angry that he now was back at our house with the repercussions of those choices. Angry that I'm just supposed to go along with whatever is brought into my life via my husband and just be fine about it. As far I was concerned.....I wasn't the one that made a mess of my stepson. I had already lived through the nightmarish court battle and crazed behavior and phone calls from his ex-wife. I had already watched the push and pull over their son, all the while powerless. I was angry that the whole dysfunctional mess was back into my living space. Too much was happening too fast....my husband's new job and subsequent long hours, the grieving of his dad, attempting the sexual addiction healing process...finding myself in a serious flare-up with my health......angry about all of it.

When my husband came back home he wasn't here much because of his job. My stepson ignored calls to his cell phone. I had my husband calling me on the house phone to reach him. I had his angry mother calling me to reach him. Here's this woman that likes to pretend I don't exist but will use me to access her son. The feeling I had was, "Look if you can't even respect that I'm married to your ex then why would I want to help you out". I was picking up after my stepson as he left dishes, trails of crumbs and dirt prints wherever he went. My husband was being inundated by angry calls and long conversations with his ex. The three of them were meeting for in person discussions about their son and college...about money, about her rage at not being called back, about being ignored...on and on and on.........by the time he was done with work, son and ex there wasn't a shred of anything for us. Needless to say my husband had a lot on his shoulders but I felt like a complete afterthought by all.

I felt angrier by the day, still physically ill and struggling to take care of myself but feeling like much was being put on me and asked of me. We argued over what kind of expectations there should be for all in the household, we argued over who was going to pay for the car my stepson wanted, we argued over whether my husband would keep giving the same amount of money to his son monthly if he was living here with no dorm or food bill. We argued over how his son at times spoke to us or me in particular. I started to feel like I was about to go into a deep downward spiral never to find myself again. It seemed the more I tried to stand up for myself and explain myself the more my husband felt "not good enough", bitched at and bossed around. I felt like I had been run over by a bulldozer - his life held precedence over mine. I remember thinking how unjust it all felt and how it seemed there wasn't space for me to fit into what was supposed to be my life and then it hit me! There it was again....that old early childhood feeling of being utterly and completely engulfed by my parents troubles and knowing I was expected to not rock the boat, not have needs, not make matters worse and to be a good supportive loving child to help things run smoother! Ugh! This is my life story, this is my lesson. Here I was thinking that I had nothing to do with this picture and yet this picture had everything to do with me and my deepest earliest beliefs.

I reminded myself that I was powerless over the choices of others. I acknowledged to myself that my life circumstances had once again become out of control. Then I handed it all over to my Higher Power to help me see what I really needed to be looking at and that was ME.

I decided to stop explaining myself and trying to be understood. I started paying attention to myself, my physical, emotional and spiritual needs. I was so exhausted and ill that I knew my first and foremost need was to set boundaries so I could feel better physically. I realized it was time to determine what was and wasn't good for me and set a boundary w/out placing any type of judgment toward another person. My boundaries would be all about me and what was good for me, not what someone else was doing that wasn't good for me. No one needed me to tell them how to parent or what was wrong with how they were treating me. I started to pay closer attention to understanding what was going on inside of me when outer things happened as opposed to paying attention to understanding and analyzing what had happened and how it needed to be different. I began to ask myself, "What am I feeling right now and what does it mean to me? What changes do I need to make?"

When the phone rang and I asked myself that question, I realized I felt used by my husband and his ex-wife. I didn't want to be put in the middle of them and their son. On top of it, was I being loving or unloving to take on this job? I decided that I was enabling the situation and determined that my best choice of action was to let the machine pick up and then tell my stepson a message had been left for him. That was taking responsibility for myself - that was all that I needed to do. My husband seemed to get his own divine message, asking his ex to stop calling on the house phone and talked to his son about his responsibility to keep his cell phone on, answer it and to return messages to both him and his mother. The solution came.

When I determined what my own personal boundaries were about how we treat one another in the household I passed my feelings on to my husband. I said that I was going to let my stepson know when something was bothersome to me and set my own boundary but that he was fine to maintain whatever he wanted to with his son. I have done so and it has worked out fine for me. I feel respected by my stepson and it is clear to me that he feels I love and respect him. One of the times I spoke up brought about a "family meeting" that turned out really well for all of us. My stepson even had some things to share that were bothering him. My husband was able to see that he was not setting certain boundaries out of fear of losing his son but his son has responded really well to my boundaries so seeing that has helped him be firmer where he sees it's needed.

When I thought about why I got upset over how my husband handled money with his son there were multiple feelings that came up on a parental level but since I am not his parent I could only set a boundary in terms of my own child's feelings. I said we weren't going to give him our car and that I wasn't okay with purchasing the whole car as that is not what was done with my daughter. He agreed and we decided on a "help out" figure to give toward the car. As for my personal feelings in terms of money I realized that I resented giving money that I got from disability toward the household when my husband was in my opinion over-indulgent with his son. Why? Because I could use my money to put toward alternative health care so I might have better quality of life. I determined what areas that I felt comfortable giving money and what areas I didn't and told my husband. He said he was okay with my boundaries and I've noticed that he is being more conscious with money regarding his son on his own.

I have used my extra money toward alternative health care and have found some things that have helped my health. I doubled the amount of Blue Green Algae I was taking daily and it gave me pretty quick results. I've eliminated some of my prescription drugs and over the counter pain relievers in favor of amino acids that have helped with brain fog, physical energy and pain. I continue my weekly cranio-sacral sessions and have started seeing my homeopathic doctor twice monthly. It's all made a difference. Researching my health concerns was a welcomed reprieve from SA and co-dependency. I remind myself to put my own care first every day, like putting your own mask on if the plane your on is going down before you help the person next to you with their mask.

Lifetimes in A Single Day

I've been away from my blog for a long time....since the death of my father-in-law. Life has been extremely busy with much change and growth on many levels. So much has happened since then that when I thought of blogging I couldn't decide where to start. Sheryl Crow's song below came to mind and I thought it to be a perfect place to launch back into my blog. The all encompassing lesson of the last several weeks has been how important it is to live in the moment. I found myself in the position of needing to lay down some foundational work with all the changes and if I didn't make a serious commitment to be ever present that I would miss a difficult but mostly grand opportunity to make personal changes from within. It was strange because the circumstances left me rather isolated and needing to find my truth pretty much on my own......turning only to my Higher Power. It hasn't been easy by any means but it has been rewarding and fruitful.

All I have are the lyrics to the song as I couldn't find a single video of it to post.

"Lifetimes"

Take off your halo, take off your golden crown
The spotlight's off, the shades are down
Where are your friends now, they're ghosts in a windowpane
Sometimes it's hard to stay the same

We can live lifetimes in a single day
No matter what you do, I love you anyway
You say if you're lost inside; well, I get lonely, too
Even in the worst of times, I give my best to you

I dreamed I was swimming, fighting the undertow
Drifting in circles, no place to go
And when I woke up, I was wringing wet
So much stronger than before

We can live lifetimes in a single day
No matter what you do, I love you anyway
You say if you're lost inside; well, I get lonely, too
Even in the worst of times, I give my best to you

The words escape
The silence made
The looks betray
I'm not afraid

We can live lifetimes in a single day
No matter what you do, I love you anyway
You say if you're lost inside; well, I get lonely, too
Even in the worst of times, I give my best to you
Even in the worst of times, I give my best to you