Family Stuff

We went on vacation in April, then I was sick, and my father-in-law has come to the final stages of passing from cancer so we’ve been away to be with family.  A lot has been going on.  My husband got a job promotion (more money but more hours) and my stepson is home from his first year of college.  He went quite a distance away from home for college.  We didn’t think it was a good idea for him but his mom was hell-bent on it and convinced their son it was the best thing for him.  He did okay academically the first semester but bombed the second semester.  He was really homesick and got deeply depressed to the point of being suicidal.  The worst thing about all of it is that he acted as if everything was fine and none of us knew what was happening.  My husband put out a lot of money for his son’s education last year.  My stepson also got financial aid based on his mom’s income (or lack of), along with academic scholarships and work study.  He lost some of his financial aid because he was so depressed he missed the dead line and his mom didn't pay attention to her end of being responsible.  He also lost his scholarships based on academic excellence because he failed several of his classes the last semester.

 We knew he lost a great deal of his financial aid prior to my husband driving up to get him from school and we knew he was upset.  We found out the rest upon my husband arriving at school.  He was stunned to find the mental state that his son was in.  His son said he didn’t tell anyone because he thought he was just supposed to make it all work.  It was heartbreaking.  He said he got so scared a couple of times that he almost called a suicide hotline.  Both my husband and I feel that too much was demanded and expected of him from his mom.  We’ve done our best to lift his self-esteem and help him understand how much he had taken on for his first year.  He doesn’t want to go back and his grade point average dropped so low he can’t even get accepted by an in-state college.  He’ll have to go to our community college to bring his GPA up to get into a better school.  He’s also temporarily lost his full scholarship to any in-state college but we believe he has a probation period to bring up his GPA and reclaim it.

 Meanwhile, his relationship with his mom is rocky .  We were with family for a week and he only spoke with her once.  Now, we’ve been home for a week and he has spent approx. 2 hrs. with her.   We don’t know the specifics as my stepson completely shuts us out if he is asked about it or he hears there has been communication between his parents over him.  His mom has expressed great annoyance and anger toward her son to my husband.  I have a sense that she is expecting him to go back to the same college regardless of the issues at hand.  She tends to be unreasonable.  My husband has not communicated with her other than to leave her a message that he picked their son up and that he was doing better.  He knows if he shares info that their son has not shared with her that he will stop communicating with him which at this point seems a dangerous thing to do.  We need the door of communication open.  It's very frightening to know that he was going through so much and never turned to one of his parents.  My husband has requested that their son talk to his mom and let her know where he is at and what he wants and he has agreed to do so.

 My father-in-law is failing quickly at this point.  My husband’s never lost anyone that he has loved deeply.  He’s never experienced the enormity of such loss.  I have and know there is no way to really prepare someone for the gravity and enormity of the grieving process.  It's always hard being with your entire family and re-experiencing childhood dynamics too, not to mention the new insights gained in family dysfunctions.  Family tragedies and losses tend to amplify our patterns - both healthy and unhealthy.  My husband found himself surprized and overwhelmed at times.  With all this is on his shoulders, I have been very worried about how it will affect him and if he will have trouble with his addictions.  

I know I'm seriously stressed about all of these things.  My husband already worked a lot of hours and now it's even more.  I'm concerned that the raise he got will all end up going to his son.  I feel my husband over gives to the detriment of his son and to us.  There will be the issue of transportation for my stepson.  He doesn't currently have a car.  If my stepson lives with us, doesn't have to pay for his food, dorm, or laundry then I think it would be best if he buys his own car from the money his dad is already giving him.  I'm sure my husband will continue to contribute the financial amount he has been to his son.  My stepson also has quite a bit of his own money in savings.  This is an area we have argued about in the past.  My husband always says he won't give more but one way or another he does.  I've almost come to expect it.  We need a new car and he has already talked about giving the current one to my stepson when we get one.  We've gone over this already, not to mention my daughter asked a couple times about the car and I told her no.  How's that going to feel to her?  The car is a "lemon" too - it's been a total money pit.  I don't seem to be able to have any great affect in talking to him about it.  He usually just goes ahead and does it behind my back, pretending to both himself and me that he isn't overstepping our agreement.    I've been praying over how to handle it but I just feel tired about it.

I guess the best thing is to not let myself get too upset or caught up in it for the moment.  I doubt trying to control it will get me anything more than ulcers and headaches.  Ahh, well.........family.