Mission Impossible

Today is the conference that my husband's company is presenting.  We know that the company of the woman that he flagrantly flirted with at a conference last June will be there.  We don't know who will be there for their company.  He already sent her the boundary and closure letter a couple of months ago.  Because of how he titled the email, there is some doubt as to whether she opened it up or not.  The plan was that my husband would take a copy of it with him today to pass on to her if her behavior exhibited that she did not, in fact open it.  

He has a great deal of responsibility in terms of overseeing the success of the conference in it's entirety, meaning he's the guy that gets the calls for any problem or need that comes up for anyone and everyone during the conference.  He's been super busy and very job focused.  I decided it would be best if I just asked him last night if he had printed out the letter.  He hadn't, but he did so and put the letter in an envelope with the clothes he intended to wear today. When I woke up I saw that the letter had been absentmindedly left behind.

I had an immediate inner reaction....  "Asshole, you're going to be at a conference where you will absolutely run into this woman if she's there and you didn't take the f-ing letter.  What a dipshit".  Yeah, I know I sound bitchy and condescending.  Now what, I thought.  How do I take care of myself?  How do I honor myself?  What about my boundaries?  What about our agreement?  Why does he put me in these positions when it could be so easy?  Why, why why?? Damn crazy ass husband.

I knew I was kicking into my defense of how to protect myself from people causing me harm but I let myself ask all the inner questions, figuring I'd process to the right conclusion in the end.  Should I call him and calmly inform him that he forgot the letter?  Should I drive 20 miles and hand deliver it to him w/out notice?  Is that what I needed to feel safe?  Maybe I'll just call and tell him how much I appreciate that he thought of me and took the letter only to make him tell me he forgot it?  Should I decide that I don't give a shit?  Maybe I should be pissed off all day and kick his ass when he gets home for HIM putting me through this. I could use a sharpy marker and write OOOOPS in bold letters on the envelope for him to inadvertantly find later.  Okay, now my thoughts were getting just plain mean.  Mental wresting time over!  Let go of any of the ways you may have dealt with this in the past and look for a different path to take....maybe something entirely unexpected, I told myself.

I would have preferred that he remembered the letter.  That would have been my best case scenario.  That didn't happen so what's the point of kicking my feet like a baby over it?  I asked myself right now in this moment what was most important to me.  My answer was my own mental and emotional health.  All of the actions that ran through my mind above would not make me feel any better, in fact they would probably make me more bothered.  

There is no action that I could take on my behalf to fix what I wanted to have happen. That's no longer an option.  

This thought is revolutionary for me...huge.  I realize how many times that my reactions have been based on a, "I want you to take this back" mode.  How futile is that? Pretty damn futile - impossible, completely impossible.  Can't be done - no way, no how.

I asked for inner guidance to help me see the whole thing in a new light.  What can I learn from this?  

-I am powerless over the choices of others.

-I accept that I'm not getting what I wanted.

-I recognize that my husband is compartmentalized and has trouble juggling things when their not in the same mental basket.

-My husband is still a work in progress.

- I'm still a work in progress

- I need to keep my inner safety gauge with my husband in line with his actions - trust him in    accordance to his growth not my expectations of him. Take this as an indicator of where he is.  Oh yeah,  and accept that too (w/out anger and judgement).

- I like where I am within myself and don't feel like compromising it over him (at least not today)

- I choose to revel in my current sense of happiness and joy.

- I don't have the time or energy to waste on what he created.

- he will find his own way in whatever he is faced with today and that will be his lesson.

- the woman may not even be there and I am not wasting an entire day worrying about it.

- I own this day and will not turn it over to others.  I stand in my own shoes.

Thank you God,  for the blessing of the many awarenesses I have received by things not happening as planned.  I feel thankful and grateful for the opportunity to practice the spiritual principles that I want to be integrated more deeply in my daily life.  Thank you for helping me drop my codependency and defenses just a little bit more today.  

Now I'm off to do my yoga.