Freedom

Freedom. I'm looking for freedom. Freedom from drama....detachment from drama.

Freedom from the dance...the dance that was created long ago before I ever met my husband. Freedom from my defenses and patterns that have locked me up and away from the fullness of life....even as I thought I was living in freedom. Before everything came out in the open, I actually felt emotionally healthy (that seems outrageously ridiculous to me now). I thought I was free from the past. It must have been borrowed freedom......like borrowed money from the bank...I didn't really own it. It just felt like I did. Not that I haven't made progress over all these years because I have. I've gotten closer, closer to my truth. I guess I'm closer to the roots of my wounds now.

It feels like I've hit on something very core inside myself. I couldn't have gotten here without the deep love I've had for my husband. I know it wasn't a mistake to love him and allow him into my heart so deeply but it sure has hurt like hell...worse than I could ever have imagined and yet it has taken me to a place of knowing things about myself I would never have accessed otherwise. He has been my teacher. I see myself more clearly and I see the ways in which I cause myself harm. I cause myself harm by getting caught up and tangled in "the story", with all its twists and turns. It makes me scared and takes me away from remaining connected to myself. It makes me feel lost and alone. It makes me fret over all the what ifs. It makes me want to suit up in armor. It makes me tired. It makes me cry. It robs me of my joy.

It's time for me to step away from the toxicity of what I do. I'm ready to see past the plot with all the twists and turns that have "thrown me for loop" over and over throughout my life. It isn't really about any of it - the details. The details are there to help me see that there is a more desirable, healthier path to take. The drama of the details is not the path for me to take.

Even though I was upset over the latest deception, it didn't hit me as hard in my spirit as it has in the past. Something felt different and it felt good. I haven't been able to truly define it for myself but I do know I didn't get that "rock me to my core", startling sensation I typically get. It was more of an It Is What It Is sort of feeling. I know I'm off with the not wanting to care aspect but experiencing that feeling has helped me detach from the drama and not let it drag me down personally. I chose to pass on our therapy session tonight. My husband is going alone. I can't keep going over the same thing again and again. He can tell the therapist about lying because that's about him, not me. I don't think it bears explaining that it caused loss of trust for me.

There is something about the entire thing that feels like nonsense to me. Just a bunch of silliness as opposed to a big trauma or madness in my life. It almost feels boring......this dance. I've had this feeling before, it signifies that I am making a shift in letting go of some pattern that causes me harm. I don't know what the "new" will look like but I'm ready for it.