Intrusion, Constrictions,and Hyperarousal

This is a continuation from my last post in reference to the book, NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. The book is about emotional and sexual betrayal in relationships. It focuses on the PTS caused by it and how to deal with it on your path to healing your relationship. It has only a couple references to her dealing with sexual addiction. The references were brief, but in the context of her knowledge having helped in the healing of those relationships.

Intrusion, Constrictions, and Hyperarousal.
These are the cluster reactions of those suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). In her book, Shirley explains that experiencing emotional and sexual betrayal creates PTSD for those that have been betrayed by their partners. I found her suggestions on how to minimize and manage these symptoms extremely helpful. I went from pretty much feeling like a loose cannon (since the latest disclosure), unable to control my responses at any given time (even if that meant in the middle of the night), to having more restraint over how and when I express myself. Her suggestions are not about repressing our emotions but being able to manage our emotions and reactions.

Call it PTSD, call it Co-dependency or Co-addiction, the bottom line is being able to manage our emotions and manage our own lives. I personally believe that co-dependency and/or co-addiction are born out of our inability to cope with PTSD that occurs in our early childhood. We couldn't possibly be able to use such advanced skills of coping as children so we develop distorted ways of coping that typically save us from more danger but don't serve us as adults.

Intrusion:
"Intrusion comes from traumatic images associated with betrayal, such as moments of disclosure, the suspected intimacies, or the string of lies preceding the disclosure."

Part of intrusion is obsessive thinking. The betrayed partner will turn over lies and unanswered questions in their heads. They will recall snippets of conversations or have puzzling memories that just don't add up. Reviewing your history together is common as you begin to sort through past lies in order to gain a clear picture of the deception. The betrayed person tries to remember every detail because forgetting suddenly feels very dangerous as you struggle with your shattered assumptions about your marriage and your partner.

Shirley says that it is important to understand that obsessive thinking isn't a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. She goes on to clarify that as you move through the healing process it will continue to happen but become less and less as safety and openness are established in the marriage.

Suggestions for coping with obsessive thoughts: Write. Write your feelings down or write letters to other people that you may never send but get it out of you by putting it on paper. Keep a journal. If you start to obsess over unanswered questions write them down. Keep them in a safe place to share later with your partner when you are both feeling safe with one another. At that time you can ask your partner to answer the questions he/she feel most comfortable with, saving the rest to be answered at another time. Don't expect to get everything at once. Control your thoughts by scheduling worry time. Discipline yourself to hold back from distressing thoughts until your scheduled time. Re-direct your thoughts to other things knowing you will give future time to your concerns. Imagine a red stop sign and think the word "stop" in your mind.

Flashbacks are involuntary, unexpected and can be triggered by sight, sound, smell, or physical sensations. A flashback can take you back to a moment of deep pain and trauma, as if it just happened. It can be vivid. It occurs spontaneously and without warning. Shirley says that ordinary life can become a minefield of explosive triggers. No amount of progress or healing seems to matter when a flashback happens. It can occur when looking at a cell phone bill, driving down a particular street, watching a commercial or waking up to find your partner is not in the bed next to you. Even the person that acted out can have painful flashbacks of their own behavior or of the harsh words spoken by their partner upon discovery. She cautions to remember that they too are a normal part of the healing process. Knowing this has helped me because at times of flashbacks I have felt like I'm never going to be OK again and then I get even more upset because of the flashback occurring. Remembering it's normalcy helps.

One of the things she suggests is to turn to your partner to help you through. The betrayed partner becomes active in self-healing and the unfaithful person learns how to help you heal. It's important to not blame your partner for your flashback so your spouse can empathize and listen. Shirley says to learn to predict the situations that evoke flashbacks and discuss together how you can handle them. It can be helpful to avoid those situations until you are more able to cope with and address your pain. If a flash back happens, don't try to block it as it will often intensify it. Tell yourself that it's "just a flashback" and try to ride the wave. She gives a great analogy of how we can get knocked down by a large wave in the ocean when we resist but if we ride the wave we make it safely to the shore.

Constriction:
Many people traumatized by betrayal describe going completely numb. They lose interest in their normal activities and feel detached from others. Avoidance and withdrawal from life are constrictive symptoms. This may be a coping mechanism to due to the intensity of your pain but Shirley cautions that healing requires active involvement by the betrayed partner. The person responsible for the betrayal may also attempt to freeze the wounded person's feelings because it is difficult to face the pain they have inflicted. Freezing the feelings of the betrayed partner only serves to inhibit the natural and painful process of healing. In her book Shirley says, "First you get numb and then you bleed." It's important to accept your own feelings and those of your partner's. Both people need to be responsible for themselves and to one another. One of the things I have noticed in particular is that the addict typically wants to separate their recovery from their partner's. There is a "mine", "yours" and an "OURS". Couples often miss the "OURS" part of healing.

Hyperarousal:
Shirley describes the betrayed partner's hyperarousal, "...like an automobile engine that is idling on high. Just as it takes one little tap on the gas petal for rapid acceleration, it takes just one cue to increase the pulse and reactivate the sweat glands."........"Reaction becomes overreaction"........Betrayed partners are easily startled by ringing phones, dropped glasses, and the sounds of children shrieking happily."

"Rage and other intense feelings are common but be careful not to add any more scar tissue." Shirley describes a man's feelings in the book about his betrayed wife's words, saying no amount of time or intimacy between them had erased the memory of what she had said to him. "She screamed unthinkable things. She told me that I had been a disappoint to her sexually. She said she hadn't wanted to marry me in the first place", he said. The one responsible for the betrayal will sometimes attempt to blame their behavior on their partner, saying they were unsatisfied sexually. Shirley warns that insults and extra wounds are carried into the the future of your relationship. She says to look for ways of healing instead of continuing to rip off each other's scabs.

Hypervigilance is one of the most common signs of hyperarousal. It's a normal reaction to loss of safety. "Watching for signs of danger is an important survival technique." Unfortunately, it can turn betrayed partners into what Shirley describes as "bloodhounds running down clues". It can make a person's internal radar fly into high alert causing overreaction. The betrayed person may not feel safe unless they hear every detail of their partner's day and even then no amount of rational accounting for their whereabouts can soothe the betrayed person. "After all, there were complete and rational accountings before and things weren't as they seemed. What if the explanations that appeared plausible and reasonable now really were all lies?".

Shirley gives assurance of the hypervigilance diminishing over time as the couple reestablishes safety and security with one another. But she does go on to say that this can take months and even years. The betrayed person needs to feel convinced that it is safe to trust again.

"But in the beginning there are shadows and strange noises everywhere. They find themselves on a strange road in the middle of the night with no map and no protection while the unfaithful partner is surviving his or her own version of Hades."

The suggestion for dealing with and calming the hyperarousal is for the couple to have a format of accountability. It's reasonable for the betrayed person to be concerned about the unfaithful person's actions. The person that committed the betrayal needs to work through possible feelings of resentment if the are angry about being checked up on. Shirley explained to a woman in her book that to be accountable to her husband was an act of kindness on her part. She helped the woman realize that it was cruel to add to her husband's anxiety by refusing to reassure him through the healing process after her affair.

Shirley has a slightly different view than some therapists on checking out your hunches and gut instincts. She says that although extreme hypervigilance in not conducive to recovery, it can be helpful to follow through on suspicions. She says there is a difference between acting as a "detective" or an "inquisitor". Her suggestion is it check things out if a suspicion persists but to do so as a detective would - check it out, follow up, and get useful information. Every time something checks out fine, trust builds. The "inquisitor" is described as jumping out with twenty questions and trying to find out everything there is to know. She cautions that this behavior is not helpful to either person in the relationship.

The book's last suggestion is about letting go. She says with sustained building of trust through truthfulness one should eventually lose the constant sense of hypervigilance that occurs in the early stages. If your hypervigilance continues despite accountability and goodwill, she says to look to possible unresolved past hurts and wounds. On the other hand she says if your hypervigilance is due to continued deception on the part of your partner that one must look at whether they want to make being a detective a lifetime career. At this point she says it is time to decide to accept who your partner is or look for a new partner.