When something within us is disowned, that which is disowned wreaks havoc.
The Healing Runes
As early back as I can remember it was clear to me that my parents world, filled with numerous problems didn't have much room for my feelings or those of my siblings. It was all about them. As much healing work as I have done since I was quite young it always comes back to me feeling that the people I share my life with don't have much room for me in the midst of their own concerns. It ends up feeling like it's too crowded for me.
This last week I got a little deeper to the core feeling underneath it - "I just don't matter".
I developed a sense of excessive independence both externally and internally from this feeling as I grew up. I've contributed to people treating me this way by sending the message that I can cope with it all on my own. I'm also sensitive to making sure others have plenty of space in my relationships. I'm concerned about making sure others know their important to me. It isn't that I haven't given attention to my own feelings, it's that I basically, expect to "go it alone". I don't want to be a burden to others.
Apparently, I bought into the belief early on as I can see that I have treated myself this way. I want to blame someone else, but really, I'm an adult and I am responsible. I have taught people how to treat me. I have to be the one to break the pattern from within. I have let the feelings, problems, hopes and dreams of others count more than mine in my relationships. I get that it's a lie - "I don't matter"....it's a lie.
I do matter.
I do count.
I didn't realize that I felt like I didn't matter but now that I really get that I do indeed matter.....things feel very different on the inside.
5 comments:
Good for you. I had to come to the realization that I do matter also. And that I have a lot of positive things going for me. It takes practice. Amazing how little I've taken care of myself over the years, until working the steps in Al-anon.
I'm really learning to be my own friend these days and even though I've paid plenty of lip service to the idea, I think that now I truly understand it. 'Sounds like you're doing that too. jeNN
So many times I have said those exact words: "I don't matter." "I don't want to be a burden to anyone." "Who would give a rip if I died?" "Me mad? So, what? Who cares if I'm mad?"
In going through this boy-breakup, I am finding out that I have paid a very high price because I didn't/don't value me. Because I have allowed me to be overshadowed by someone else's needs.
Syd, Jenn, Assume a Name,
It's weird isn't it because we claim ourselves over and over while in the process of growing and healing. We think we've done it ("got it this time")only to find that it must be repeated on the path to recovering ourselves.
Years ago while working with a therapist that did inner child work, we went back to retrieve "me" as a child and bring her to the present for me to care for. It was wild because in my vision as we returned to the present my adult was holding my inner child and we were literally spiraling upward in time.
I never forgot that feeing of being lifted up in that slow spiral motion. Years later I read somewhere that our healing resembles a process of "spiraling" upwards as opposed to moving up in levels. As we move in the spiral motion we hit the same issues again and again to heal them and release more completely as we gain a fuller sense of awareness of who we truly are.
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