What Is Minding My Own Business???

I truly struggle with the codependency issue of what the hell does it really mean to mind your own business.?.?.?

What is my business? What isn't my business?

I don't always know.

I recently found out that my husband continued to have a relationship with his college friend after having sex with her when we were first dating. I had no idea he had sex with her after we met. He knew I wouldn't have been okay with it. She was and still is married to the same person for several years. My husband introduced us to one another. She gave me high marks and her stamp of approval. She hugged me, she touched me and hugged my husband. They end their conversations with , "Love ya's". They have remained friends 9 years later and talk about every three months (bizarre, right?). He recently told her that he let me know what happened (he's working his program) and that I asked him to break contact. He never said that he had a problem with continuing their relationship but that I did. She agreed to drop communication. She left him a message one week later to check on him. He didn't return the call.

He made friends with a co-worker about a year and half after we met. They got too close and eventually he agreed to end the friendship because it was clear she wanted more from him. He would keep things strictly professional. That was 5 years ago. This year at Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve she sent hello's to him through her daughter (she and my stepson are best friends). I was coldly excluded from the greetings. Over the last few weeks I learned that he eventually picked the friendship back up w/out my knowledge but the communication was far less frequent. He says a few times a year. He doesn't remember how long ago. At Thanksgiving, I asked him to please tell her daughter as she left that night that BOTH he and his wife said hello to her. He didn't do it.

He was romantically interested in a woman some time before he met me. She was in a relationship and unavailable. When we had been dating for a year she asked him to dinner for his birthday. At that dinner she asked if there was a chance for them to have a relationship before he got more involved with me as she was now free. He told her he was happy with his relationship with me. I never knew about this until recently. In the meantime she got re-married and divorced. They ran into each other over the years as their kids were also friends. I was aware of the attraction between them because he told me. About a year ago he ran into her at the beach. He told me she asked if they could meet for breakfast. They did. I now know that it was emotional for them as they caught up on all that had happened for one another over the years. What he did tell me at the time was that she said with her divorce and then hearing that I was sick she wondered what would have happened if they would have tried being together. They both agreed it would not have worked as she used to be friends with his ex-wife. How about! - I love my wife and I'm sure you will meet the right person for you????????. I was pissed about it but he brushed it off at the time as being a normal thing for someone to reflect on after divorcing. Reflection is one thing but telling the person is another. What he didn't tell me then was that they decided to exchange email addresses to stay in touch. They have ever since.

In June when he went to a conference, which incidentally coincided with my starting this blog, he had an ongoing flirtation (It lastest an evening and the following day as they had a workshop together - as far as he has told me) with a woman that is linked to him through work and will continue to be. They had a workshop together and went over to each other after the breakout session. She invited him to lunch. He accepted. He says they both made great exclamations of how amazing their wife and husband were and how much their families mattered to them. Sounds like a good foundation for "no strings attached" sex to me. The night before was the last night he drank. He was still drunk or hungover for most of the next day (during the workshop). He went to AA and got a sponsor soon after he was home. He only recently told me about what happened with this woman. In March there is a conference to which it is most likely they will see one another. Should I be concerned or is that his business?

What part of this bullshit is my business and what part isn't??????

Last night I gave him back my engagement ring and wedding ring. I told him to give them back to me when he felt he was ready to honor me as his wife. When he felt it was more important to speak up when someone is rude to me than to worry over the other person's feelings or his image, to give me back the rings. I told him that when he no longer wants to exchange emails with a woman that has attempted to capitalize on the illness of his wife to give me back my rings. When he gathers the courage to set a boundary with a "nobody" to him because he is no longer worried about how it might affect his job, he can give me back my rings.

I'd like to know what part of this is not my business?

I'm not drinking anymore "Jim Jones" kool-aid.