Marveling

I'm part of a book group over at the JWC. I've mentioned we are reading Women Who Run With Wolves. We have a thread for our "Wild Woman" sightings.

I live in an urban area but am surrounded by several protected, fenced perserves. I used to take my dog there all the time. Never at dawn or dusk as there are coyotes in the perserve. The reason I haven't been is because we got a new puppy last Jan. and she would surely be coyote 'bait'. She's headstrong and fearless - she wouldn't hold back or slow down. I decided she was big enough and that her older "brother" would help me guide her. We had an absolute blast. We ran, romped and frolicked. Of course, the coyotes were on my mind. I sent a message out to them from my "Wild Woman" as a kindred spirit. It felt so good to be out there in the untamed preserve playing with the dogs. When I brought them home, I decided to continue walking for a time.

I felt so happy inside.....light and free. I felt the joy well up inside because I felt full of my "Wild Woman".....really full. All of a sudden I saw myself in every blade of grass, leaf, tree and flower. I looked up at the sky, the sun and the clouds marveling at how I sensed myself there too. In my minds eye, I went beyond that to the moon and the stars. I felt myself everywhere. Then I realized that all of this was inside of me too and she was back...........really back in a strong way. I said, "Welcome back "Wild Woman". She laughed and said, "I didn't go anywhere, you did. I couldn't leave you if I tried. I am in you and you are in me. I am you".

Is 'Bitch' the New Black?

Is 'Bitch' the New Black?
By Ellen Snortland, AlterNet. Posted March 6, 2008.

"Bitch" is a wonderful word and state of being. I want to be one. And I double-bitch dare you to join me.

As host of Saturday Night Live, comedian and writer Tina Fey issued a clarion call for women to be proud bitches during her "Women's News" segment on Feb. 23, 2008. Fey unabashedly supported Hillary's bitch-in-chief status. To view "Bitch Is the New Black," go to: http://tinyurl.com/2y7hzq. Here is Ellen Snortland's own bitch challenge.
Bitch is a noun and a verb; simply add a "y" and you've got an adjective. What a bitch of a word! Who wouldn't want to be a bitching, bitchy bitch? Sign me up. I double-bitch dare you to join me.
Be a bitch, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. It's a good thing, nothing to be ashamed or scared of. I've wasted way too much of my life attempting to prove I'm not a bitch. I have been nice when a saint would have lost it. I have been unduly proud when people said I'm not a bitch but another woman is. I have called other women bitches in a disempowering way. Im truly sorry for the way I've abused the word. I would like to see the word "bitch" elevated to its proper place in the English language, transformed from sexist epithet to a word of adoration and awe.
Bitch is actually a wonderful word and state of being. Just as a stud is a potent and valuable male, bitch is the ripe female equivalent in the dog kingdom, er, queendom. As we all know, its human use is usually derogatory because it is a word mostly used in reference to strong women.
Strength is a relative term. A man called me a bitch when I politely declined to let him cut in front of me in a grocery line. I suddenly understood the absurdity of trying to maintain a nonbitch stance in the world. No matter what, someone will think I am one, so what the hell -- I might as well enjoy the perks of being an actual bitch.
"Bitch" is used as a verbal weapon, a way to keep "uppity" women in line or to keep women who are thinking about being uppity from opening their mouths. "You wouldn't want anyone to think you're a bitch, now would you? Better not say anything," is how some of the logic goes. OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH, how scary to be called a bitch. Isn't it amazing that so many of us have given the word so much power?
To call someone a bitch as a put-down is to presume there are bitches in the world and there are "non-bitches"; that the proper way to be a female human being is to be a nonbitch.
What is a nonbitch? She is like the unicorn, a myth, a fantasy dreamt up by people with mother issues. A nonbitch is a woman who personifies compliant beauty, who never gives a fella any trouble. She is always nice and understanding, never angry, doesn't argue, doesn't protect herself, her property or her children. She is always complimentary, remembers every detail about everything, never hurts feelings intentionally or unintentionally, always serves others first, always smiles and does what everyone asks of her, all the time, with no complaint. I'm sure I've left something out, but since I'm a bitch, I don't pretend that I don't make mistakes.
The old-fashioned, put-down usage of bitch is like a girdle; it holds women back and in, and in a most uncomfortable and unhealthy way. No one really wants to be stuffed or squeezed into anything, whether it's an undergarment or an archaic form of so-called feminine behavior. Everyone despised girdles, but it wasn't until a few courageous women started refusing to wear them that the rest of us could wiggle out of them forever.
I hereby proudly declare my bitchness and invite others to do the same. Join me. Everyone in the world has bitchness in them, women and men, girls and boys. Why would we collude in the absurd idea of aspiring to not be something that we all are? There are things to complain about, there are things to be angry about, there are domestic and global problems to take action on that require the bitch in all of us.
The more who proclaim, nay, celebrate their bitchness, the less bitchy we'll all seem and the bitchier we can all become. If you don't like that idea, take a hike because I don't care. I have better things to worry about. Ahh, that felt good -- just like taking off a girdle after a long day. Try it.
Old habits die hard. I admit I still flinch if someone calls me a bitch. But I must remember to be proud that I am no longer invisible, and therefore pleasing to everyone and anyone. And I think of my favorite real-life bitch, my dog and companion. Now there's a role model.
She's faithful, loving, valuable, warm, nurturing, intelligent, affectionate and capable of ripping someone who attacks me or my loved ones to ribbons. She's a bitch and, except for the way she drools and sheds, I want to be just like her.

This article is partially excerpted from Snortland's book Beauty Bites Beast, available at Amazon.com. For more information visit www.snortland.com, or contact Ellen at ellensnortland@mac.com.

Climb a Mountain if I Had To, Risk My Life So I Could Have You

While runnig errands last week, I was listening to Tracy Chapman. I hadn't put her CD in for a long time, so the words of the songs were standing out more than usual to me. The words in one particular song struck me about women in relationships and how we do things that are harmful to us in order to maintain the existence of our love relationships, even as we are unaware of what we are doing.

The things we won't do for love. Climb a mountain if I had to, risk my life so I could have you....you, you, you, you..................

It seems dramatic, doesn't it? It is, and yet as women we find ourselves having done this many times over metaphorically in our love relationships. We convince ourselves we're ok with a particular situation or we over focus on something else so we don't have to deal with it. So we don't have to make uncomfortable choices. We wonder why life seems like an uphill climb or why we no longer know what we once thought we knew we wanted in life. We don't understand how we got lost and decide there must be something wrong with us. We get health problems, depression, we eat, we live angry, we lose interest in our hobbies or careers - the things that make our hearts sing. We lose our zest for life, our vitality. Our self-esteem plummets. All the while we seem to miss what is draining the life out of us - we offer our soul up to others, we give ourselves away in relationships. We betray ourselves.

We climb mountains and risk our lives for others.

We need to climb mountains and risk our lives to have ourselves, to connect fully with the essence of our beings. Once we get there life no longer feels so hard, so confusing. Once we get there we must safeguard what we have earned and embraced. This is our place of safety, our place of truth, where we find the answers. This is the place we can't count on and trust ourselves.

The key is to learn to be all these things to ourselves and still open our hearts to those we choose to be in relationship with. I haven't figured it out yet, but I will.

My Husband's Shift

"This morning, I was thinking about how painful and difficult the last few days have been for me. It feels like I have a huge hole that encompasses my heart and solar plexus area. I have a lot of emotional pain. Then I realized that you have explained to me many times over the last year how much physical and emotional pain you experience in your heart. This must be what you have been talking about. I think I realize for the first time how deeply painful this has been for you."

I felt something in me let go as he spoke the words to me. Tears trickled down my cheeks and his eyes welled up with tears. I said, "Now you know. I'm sorry for your pain, but now you know". He shook his head. "It's been really important to me that you understand it just like you need me to understand you."

He says he'll be ready by the first of the year to work as a couple. He's been working on the sexuality part of the fourth step in AA. His sponsor had him write down every person he has ever had any type of sexual encounter with, starting from his earliest memories. From there he follows a format. I don't remember it exactly but it's something like this. He contemplates the experience he had and how it affected him, how he was hurt and how others were hurt by the experience, where he had been selfish and dishonest, and finally how he could have handled it differently.

At first, he said he was doing it for himself but expected me to leave anyway because he felt nothing was ever going to be good enough for me. His words hurt me deeply considering that I have been patient with his process and focused on my own personal healing. Asking to begin as a couple isn't not thinking he is good enough at all. In fact, I wouldn't waste my time if I felt he wasn't worth it. I explained how I had to come to terms with his inability to deal with the sexuality with me for all these months and then ask why it was happenig to me. What was I supposed to learn? How was I supposed to move and grow in relationship to what I could sense was right for him at the time? How could I accept his process and still honor mine? I feel I have done that.

"Why can't you see this as the same? What would happen if you asked yourself if there was a reason that right now, at this time, my need was as important for your growth as mine? Why look at it as if it is a negative thing? Why can't it be a positive thing?", I asked. He said he hadn't thought of it that way and would try to shift his thinking. I've noticed that he has.

He hasn't shared the details of his process of looking so closely at his sexual history but has told me that he sees how self-seeking he has been and what little concern he has had of others that he participated with and the people he was in relationship with while acting out. He seems to be humbled by this experience and not so anxious to put the past behind him w/out thorough examination. I don't think he is feeling shameful over it but more like by acknowledging the truth to himself he earns the power of freedom. Freedom of evasion and inner deception. Freedom to find his own truth and line his life up accordingly.

In the days since I shared my feelings of not being able to linger in this place any longer, I have watched him go through what seems a cleansing of his body, mind and spirit. He got really sick with the flu. The sickest I've seen him in years - not since he had pneumonia. He has been working on his list while being completely bedridden. He has slept for hours and been forced to stop engaging in his daily activities. It's as if he couldn't escape himself. He wept as he told me how deeply sorry he was for the pain and damage I have suffered. He said he understands why I have felt so unloved by him.

God.........I've waited so long for this.....to see a true and deep empathy on his part for what I have been through. I finally feel that he has genuine and clear compassion for me. I am deeply grateful for it.