U Want Me 2

Sarah McLachlan

You walk on by
Clueless and so high
Following your aimless path away from us
You're so far away
And what can I say
Cause I can't be the one you wanted me to be

So tell me how do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go, it'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay and say I still want you
You want me too, don't you?

So what are we saying
Our eden's a failure
A made-up story to fit the picture-perfect world
The one with "I do"s
and I love you
And we are made for each other
Is forever over now?

And tell me how do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go, it'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay and say I still want you
You want me too, don't you?

I hope there's forgiveness
In the distance between us
Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?

So tell me, how do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go, it'll fall ---
Do you want me to stay and say I still want you
You want me too, don't you?

Will Our Paths Merge?

I'm going to my COSA meetings, blogging to get my feelings out and found an interesting site called recoverynation that provides individual online workshops for both sex addicts and their partners. I also do a group that is an offshoot from my COSA group because some of us were interested in sharing different forms of healing methods that are not in line with the COSA meeting format.

I guess we have created our own group therapy sessions. We meet every other week. One woman shares interesting exercises and informatiom on a tantric workshop that she and her husband did that was tailored for sex addicts and partners to learn how to form deeper emotional connections through the sexual experience. I give information about energy healing, neurofeedback and inner child work. I've also brought along the recoverynation workbook for partners and the group has liked the info it provides. Another woman does guided meditations - always a different type. Someone else shares chakra healing work with singing bowls. We take turns leading the group. We also like the opportunity to bring questions up to one another and get different perspectives. We have plenty of crosstalk but do a great job of keeping it flowing smoothly.

My husband spends about an hour each night doing exercises given to him by his sponsor that correlate with the Steps. He really likes his sponsor a lot and feels that he was lead to him. His Big Book meetings are different than what he has experienced in the past. In this group no one gets to share until they have gone through all the steps with a sponsor. He said it brings the meeting to a more highly evolved form of sharing. You don't hear the usual stories of just how bad a person was before they found AA. People are sharing about their process of healing and it goes far, far beyond the point of not drinking and the natural consequence of life getting better from that. They're at the place of sharing the deep inner workings of their minds and spirits. He said it creates this great energy in the room that raises the vibration of the entire group and truly inspires people.

He's slowly (very slowly) adding looking at his sexual addiction. He still doesn't have it as a primary focus - it seems a ways off. I get that he's probably doing things exactly as he should. He feels pretty grounded about his healing process.

We've been processing individually for a year now. We've had times of communication and sharing but it's been minimal. He didn't get serious about his own recovery until 3 or 4 months ago. I have been for the last year. We're in very different places in our growth. I think he's doing well as an individual and I also think I may be coming to the place that if he is not able to deal with the sex addiction soon, it will be harmful for me in my healing process. A person can only wait for so long. There's something about it being a year from the discovery and the fact that I'm still hearing the same thing about him needing to deal with the alcohol addiction first that is troubling me. I truly believe he is working very hard these days. It just feels like we are so far away from functioning as a couple.

I've been having flashbacks of things that happened a year ago. Different memories that I had forgotten. I've told him I know I'm experiencing PTSD over it. He seems to not be able to connect to the trauma I have lived through and still am.

We went to a gathering last night to celebrate and event in someone's life. It was one of the guys he trains with. There is apparently a running joke amoungst them about this particular guy never having been married. He's teased over "what does he do" about sex and one of his arms should be bigger than the other. My husband made up some photos about "when things get hot use **** vaseline". This part of the joke started because this guy didn't know that during training you need to use vaseline on your crotch so you don't tear yourself up. It may have been funny to me at an earlier time or even just not at this moment in time but it triggered me and I thought about how clueless my husband was to not realize that it would. It also made me feel that he has not experienced the same trauma that I have. He knew I was annoyed.

We were silent on the drive over. A strange feeling came over me and I realized that I did not feel like the wife of this man I had married anymore. It was a shock to me. I felt very sad. I still feel that I love him deeply and want things to work out. I thought about how superficial life together feels to me these days and how little we truly share. One of the memories I had was something my husband shared with me a couple of months after everything came out in the open. He told me the thing that hurt him the most was that he had lost the deep respect I had always had for him. I recalled that I didn't make any outer response but I found it so egotistical. I could not have loved or respected him more deeply. Who had caused that to change? I was so traumatized and so damaged from what had happened. I felt so hurt that he had so little awareness or care of the severe wounding I had suffered.

When we got to the party I had another feeling that made me shocked. Not only did I not feel like his wife but I didn't even feel like a couple. Instead of our usual way of enjoying sticking together, I felt the need to move away from him and just interact with people as a freestanding individual. I didn't feel like being attached to him. I was further surprised when someone asked me if I ever saw my husband because he was always training. I don't know why it hit me so hard - I think it made me realize just how low on his priority list our marriage really is. Then I was asked the same thing by another person (both were men) if as his wife I ever got to see him due to his extensive training. Of course they both had spoken of his great athletic talent which I completey agree with. I felt embarrassed, mumbling something about the type of competion he is training for always requires that type of devotion. Inside I was asking myself how many other people in the room that are out on the roads training with him wonder how much of a marriage we have.

I'm sure everything is magnified tenfold for me right now. I must not have even been fully in my body as I couldn't even recall who the first person was that made the comment about never seeing my husband. I couldn't remember it last night and I can't remember it today.

It just feels like we are at very different places in our recovery and I'm wondering if our paths will merge or if they'll go in opposite directions.

It's so sad to love someone so much and yet feel as though there is a chasm between you a million miles wide.

PTSD and Sexual Abuse

Posttraumatic Stress
http://healthymind.com
written by David Bissette

Because of the strong association of posttraumatic stress with the Viet Nam war, most people think of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a wartime-related illness. However, there are a far greater number of traumatic events in people's experiences than just those associated with war. Childhood sexual, physical, or emotional abuse can also result in PTSD. It is not an "all or nothing" phenomena.

What is PTSD all about, anyway?

When we experience a traumatic event that is just "too much" for us, our mind can take over and put the memory far back in a corner, away from our ready access to it. In fact, any highly threatening experience can cause an individual to react by blocking out its memory. This can happen for one event or a series of events over time. It is a defense mechanism to keep us from becoming more overwhelmed by the experience than we can stand at that moment.

However, all is not well. The memory is still there...somewhere. It has gone "underground" in our psychological make-up, and it can affect us in profound ways. We may tend to avoid situations that remind us of the original event, though we may not know why. We may have nightmares. We may be unable to form romantic or sexual relationships, or be unable to participate in activities that are important to us.

This blocking of the memory may not be complete. Small or large fragments may bubble up in our minds at times, and we may become "numbed out" or go into panic. Some people are feel somewhat emotionally numb on a routine basis. Problems with alcohol or drugs may develop in an attempt to hold these disturbing memories at a distance.

Sexual abuse is an experience that can cause this phenomena to occur. Abuse like this is a highly threatening experience, especially for children. Their bodies and their emotional make-ups are violated, and they have no way of coping with the feelings that result. Many children block out these memories. Though there has been much controversy in recent years about the accuracy of memories that are recalled years later, there is no doubt in the minds of most therapists that the memories have some sort of very real basis.

When memories are recalled, they are often recalled as suddenly as they were put away years before. In fact, in some cases it's as if a motion picture were stopped...and then started up again...picking up the original scene as if no time has passed.

When this occurs the body often reacts by restarting its original response to the trauma also. Blood may rush to the scene of a previous wound, hot and cold sensations may occur, and physical pain may be experienced. The emotions and sensations of the original experience may be recalled in a "flashback" during which the person feels that the original event is actually happening at the moment.

Of course, no one wants to reexperience trauma such as this. However, there are ways in which the life-limiting effects of posttraumatic stress can be addressed while minimizing the likelihood of excessive disturbances. The pain of not recovering from trauma can ultimately be much worse than the process of its resolution.

Treatment must be guided gently to promote the increasing stability thoughts and feelings: support networks need to be developed, and skills in working with feelings must be taught. A client has the right to direct the speed at which their concerns are addressed...no one should be forced to address any past memory. Sometimes an individual needs help to stabilize all of the crises in his or her life before actually beginning to work of the trauma itself. A bit of good work at the beginning can make a world of difference down the line.

What are the accepted elements of posttraumatic stress?

Self-diagnosis is not a good idea for most medical or psychological situations. However, the following is presented to offer you an understanding of the "official" diagnostic description of PTSD by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistics Manual-IV. If you have concerns about yourself, then you should consult a professional. PTSD is serious and you should receivement treatment by someone trained to offer it. Here are the diagnostic criteria...

1. The person has been exposed to a trauma during which:
the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others,
and
the person felt intense fear, helplessness, or horror. In children this may be expressed by disorganized or agitated behavior.

2. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in at least one of the following ways:

repeated and intrusive distressing memories of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. In young children, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the trauma are expressed.
repeated distressing dreams of the event. In children there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content.
acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes--including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated). In young children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur.
intense psychological distress at exposure to things that remind one of the event.
a physiological reaction to exposure to things that remind one of the traumatic event.

3. Persistent avoidance of things that remind one of the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness, as indicated by at least three of the following:

efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse memories of the trauma
inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma
markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
feeling of detachment or estrangement from others
restricted range of emotion (e.g., unable to have loving feelings).
sense of foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect ot have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span).

4. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal as indicated by at least two of the following:

difficulty falling or staying asleep
irritability or outbursts of anger
difficulty concentrating
hypervigilance
exaggerated startle response

5. Duration of symptoms is more than one month

What's on the horizon for PTSD treatment?

Eye Movement Desentization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a treatment that has gained quite a bit of attention during the last several years. It involves using deliberate eye movements of both eyes to facilitate the review and reprocessing of troublesome memories. The strengths of EMDR include the ability to reprocess memories that are otherwise overwhelming--at a rate that is much quicker than other treatment means. There are a number of elements included in successful EMDR treatment, including the use of imagery techniques to distance oneself from the remembered trauma, the careful selection of positive (but reasonable) thoughts to replace alarming/negative ones, and the use of an imagined "safe place" if the memory becomes too threatening,

I have been trained in this process and find it to be a surprisingly effective way to make progress at a rate that is often much faster (and less stressful) than traditional therapy.

David C. Bissette, Psy.D. Alexandria, VA 703-705-6161


Book for men recovering from childhood sexual abuse:

Beyond Betrayal:
Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse
by Richard B. Gartner

Self Honesty

It was a day of feeling off but I didn't really know why. I decided to meditate.

I did a meditation exercise that asked me to focus on my feelings and to identify them. Next I was supposed to think about the thought behind the emotion.

I sat for a long time. I felt ill at ease. It took awhile to connect to what my feelings were.

The first feeling I named was;
Anxiety.

I asked myself what I was thinking while experiencing this feeling?

I am not measuring up to my own standards.

I didn't realize I was thinking that but it's true.

Next feeling;
Angry.

Thought:
This isn't how my life was supposed to be.

Very true.

What else? Grief.

Thought:
I love my husband.

I do.

Anymore feelings? No.

Next I was supposed to connect with any physical sensation I had, define it and the underlying thought.

I feel nauseous. I don't have control.

Then I was supposed to recall my best memory (the first thing that comes to mind). And again define the emotion and the thought behind it.

Holding my newborn baby in my arms.

Feeling:
Complete joy

Thought:
Pure and perfect love.

What is my worst memory?

Discovering my husband's betrayal.

Emotion:
I'm dying.

Thought:
People you love and trust will hurt you.

Allow yourself to fantasize about an experience. What is it? Describe the emotions and thought surrounding it.

Fantasy: Making love.
Feeling: All sense of time and space is lost.
Thought: Ony the moment and two souls exist.

Distorted Double Standard

We were out dinner with friends a couple of weeks ago - another couple and a single male friend. The other couple was all excited for their son that had gotten in to an audition only, public middle school. School had started the previous week and he was beginning the 8th grade. They were proud of him. He's a handsome boy that everyone calls a young "George Clooney", and he has the charisma to match. He has a mop of dark brown hair, large chocolate brown eyes and a broad smile of pearly whites.

His parents were talking about how many girls at school had asked for his number and were calling the house constantly. You could see they were proud that their son was so popular with the girls. They seemed encouraging about the numerous calls to their young "George". I smiled, but started reflecting on how overwhelmed I had felt by all the attention I got upon starting 7th grade. The boys were all over me. I wondered how it might have felt if I thought I was supposed to, or even expected to grab the gusto of the opportunity swirling around me with so many cute boys. My mind had obviously drifted off. I was brought back to the present by the laughter of the men at the table and the boy's father gave two thumbs up saying, "Good for him. I hope he enjoys himself.", obviously proud of what he considered his son's growing virility. His mom laughingly shrugged her shoulders with her head cocked to the side, hands raised up in front of her and said, "I don't know what to do? Give him some condoms and tell him to go have fun?!".

I got really quiet throughout this exchange but continued to smile broadly (on the outside), nodding my head in acknowledgement of their animated sharing. I wanted to say, "What will you do when Maddy* is in the 8th grade and she gives her phone number out to numerous boys that call your home daily? Will you say, Good for her. I hope she enjoys herself? Will you joke about giving her condoms and telling her to go get herself "some"?" I doubt it. Usually this is the age that parents warn their daughters that boys will be pushy about trying sexual things with them. This is the time parents try to shield their daughters from unwanted sexual advances and teach them how to stay safe in social situations.

On the way home in the car my mind went back in time to when my youngest brother was in the 7th grade. He was beautiful. Deep golden skin with shining light blue eyes that twinkled when he smiled. His smile was both mischevious and contagious. He had golden hair with streaks of the sun dispersed through it. His shoulders were broad and his waist narrow. He looked older than his age. I remember girls in high school mentioning his looks to me. Apparently, students were not the only females that had their eye on him. One Friday evening my brother didn't show up for dinner. My brothers lived with my dad after the divorce. My dad drove all over town looking for him and then started calling his friends one by one. Finally, someone told him that my brother had gone home with Miss Brooks* the new math teacher. "Why would he do that?", he asked the boy. "Well, she's pretty and she's 21. She invited him.", was the answer. Unbelievably, my dad never went and got him. He stayed with the teacher until Sun. eve.

My mom, myself and my sisters never found out until the next week. My mother was furious and went straight to the school demanding something be done or she was going to the police. It came out that my brother was the 3rd boy this teacher had taken home with her. She was asked to leave the school of her own volition by turning in her resignation. Nothing was noted on the record that would alert the next school that employed her.

I remember being so mad at my dad. "Why didn't you go get him? Why didn't you protect him?". I told him that he had knowingly let his son be sexually abused for 2 1/2 days. He was mad in return, disagreeing with me (he thought I was out of line). He said she probably taught him a few things. He said some crazy thing about "being made a man". He had an undertone of pride over his son's prowess. My brother was 13 yrs. old. This was coming from a man that protected his daughters fiercely. He would have needed to have been restrained from killing a teacher that did that to one of his girls. My brother was the next to the youngest so there were 5 teen girls ahead of him. It was shocking for us to see my father respond this way after how he watched out for us.

Fortunately, things have changed and today women are charged with sexual crimes for such behavior. Still, boys are far less likely to report it if they are abused or to even recognize it as abuse. Statistics show that something like 75% or greater of all sex addicts are men. How much of this is due to society at large and the double standard concerning boys and girls? How much is passed down generation to generation?

Our boys deserve more from our society.

Secrets and Light

It seems that when I come to the place of 100% acceptance over not being able to have any personal impact on my husband's addictions, he makes a shift. It happened with the alcohol. I remember the day I realized for absolute certain I couldn't sway him with his alcohol addiction. It was a letting go. It was sorrowful and yet an enormous relief for me. "I accept the fact that he may never stop drinking". There was no outward explosion over it but just a quiet acceptance from within and yes, a resignation. Sadness. A knowing that I needed to come to terms with that possibility.

The last time we talked about the sexual addiction, it took a couple of days but I came away with the same level of acceptance and knowledge that he may never fully address the issue. I told myself, "Time to face this and accept what that may mean to you". Much to my surprise he brought the subject of sexuality up a couple of nights ago. At first, I felt rather flat and non-responsive but it soon was evident that his usual air of defensiveness was not present. I mostly listened. He said he had been thinking about why he gets so annoyed and hates talking about it. He shared about things that happened to him as a child and how that there were people that did things to him that insisted he keep it a secret. He did. As he got a little older (still young) he discovered that others kept secrets too. Secrets about sex. He wasn't the only one with a secret. "It must be normal to keep secrets about these things", he thought to himself. He reasoned that was the way it was supposed to be. He never thought about those incidents as sexual abuse or even that he was clearly not an equal participant in those circumstances. He has only recently thought of them in such a way. I guess he has been thinking about his history - a lot, but was unable to talk to me about it. He said he was sharing these things in the hopes that it will be easier as we go forward for him to talk more openly with me about sexuality. It was very painful for him.

Now I understand why long discussions are too much for him and that he needs more control over the conversations right now. He needs to feel a sense of owning where he is with his sexuality and that he is not being "manipualted or coerced" by me which is how he described his early experiences surrounding sexuality. It makes perfect sense that there would be transference directed toward me during this time. It doesn't really matter that I'm not doing that to him. Under the circumstances it is normal for him to feel that way. I think it will help me approach things differently and see his responses in a completely different light as we move forward.

I feel a tremendous sense of relief to just know that there is indeed movement happening within him over his sexuality. It had felt so incredibly secretive to me and frightened me a great deal. I feel calmer. I have offered support and been loving. I've had a thought or two over what he shared and have waited for quiet times to offer my insights but I have made them very brief. He has been open and accepted my thoughts. It seems best to not have a lot of back and forth dialogue over it but to let him process quietly and respond if he wants to.

Secrets lose power when brought into the light.....for everyone.

My Reasons for Not Having Sex

I wanted to and continued to have sex with my husband for several months but when he kept putting off delving deeper into healing his sexuality, I no longer felt safe to continue having sex with him. I had made it clear that this was a requirement for my being willing to stay and heal the relationship. If he can't be responsible to treat his own sexuality with love and care then how can he do that for me? He can't. I had to take responsibility for myself. I knew if I was hit with more discovery or finding out that he never stopped looking at porn it would be too wounding for me. I had to look at that. If I would have felt I was strong enough to continue having sex and deal with those things coming up right now then my choice might have been different. I don't want my heart and sexuality to be damaged any further than it already is. The risk feels too great.

As for my husband having trouble discussing the issue of sex, all I can say is that I think that when we start talking about it he feels overwhelmed. He wants to think that he is getting a good handle on understanding his sexuality but when we talk I think it becomes apparent that he doesn't. He answers me in opposites. When I ask for greater explanation he gets frustrated. I think it means he has several conflicting feelings going on but doesn't want to know he does. There isn't anything wrong with him being at this place of conflict, the problem is in his not wanting to acknowledge it and explore it deeper. I think it is quite normal to be conflicted in early recovery. The claim that he isn't is what bothers me the most.

I don't think I have ever explained that finding out about my husband's sexual addiction is not my first experience with the subject other than my dad's behavior. Two of my sisters married sex addicts. One finally divorced her husband when he was having sex with her best friend, as well as several other women. He had been unfaithful from before their marriage. He constantly bugged her to do "wife swapping". I recall being at my brother's wedding and my sister frantically looking for her husband who had disappeared. We all knew he was off having sex with someone. He never acknowledged his behavior.

My other sister married and divorced her sex addict three times. Each time he went into treatment and was a changed man, only to end up once again entrenched in his addiction. He would be all excited about his recovery (treatment facilities)but slowly slip back to the addiction. I have watched her pick herself and her three children up from the wreckage three times. I'm probably more leary and distrusting than most. That's why I know for certain that sex addiction requires more than abstaining from the behavior and a surface level of how destructive it is for the addict and their loved ones. It requires a life time commitment to recover.

Eary Abstinence - Sex Addiction

The following is a piece from an article wriiten by a doctor that treats sexual addiction. Personally, I believe that it probably varies for each individual as well as couples.

Sexual Addiction: Diagnosis and Treatment
Aviel Goodman, M.D.
Dr. Goodman is the director of the Minnesota Institute of Psychiatry. This article summarizes material that is covered more extensively in his book, Sexual Addiction: An Integrated Approach (International Universities Press, 1998).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rationale for initial abstinence is that, early in recovery, individuals who have been using sexual behavior addictively may be incapable of selectively eliminating the self-regulatory functions from their sexual behavior; and, to the extent that they continue to use sexual behavior to regulate their affects and/or self-states, they are less likely to benefit from treatment.

Meanwhile, refraining from behaviors that could be used addictively pushes the individual into greater self-awareness. Therapeutic use of this enhanced self-awareness to undermine denial and rationalization, to stabilize identity and sense of self, and to integrate healthy superego functions then brings patients to a point where they are more capable of distinguishing healthy from pathological sexual behavior. Abstinence from sexual behavior, though not a goal of treatment for sexual addiction, can on occasion be a helpful therapeutic technique.

Lets Talk About Sex....Oh, Let's Not!

I'm in a bad mood and couldn't resist this photo.

Trying to talk to my husband about sex is so frustrating. I started a coversation last night. I usually try to talk about myself first. Share my own vulnerabilities so he knows I am aware that I have my own set of issues. I feel like I'm always trying to level the playing field for him, so to speak. "Honest, I promise that I know I'm as messed up as you", because that "I'm not good enough" shit of his rears it's ugly head every time...every f-ing time. I try it every which way but it keeps ending up the same.

At the end of the conversation (a more appropriate description would be - at the end of the confusion) it seems we have been on the road to nowhere for an hour or two. If it starts on the weekend it ends up being an entire day to nowhere. My husband likes to point out the fact that it is typically a long winded thing that just leads us to being upset and hurt. At times, I wonder if he contributes to not communicating well to avoid the whole topic. He told me that it feels like it is all about how we need to fix him up because he is the problem. If we could just accomplish that then all would be well. This is what happened with his ex. She would buy books on relationships and never read them herself because he was the one with the problem - the books were for him. We've been together for coming up on 9 years and at what point do I stop paying for her game? I do not play that card with him and I said so last night. I take responsibility for myself and I know it. I referred to when I left for a couple of weeks after the discovery, trying to sort my feelings out. I returned home to see that he had purchased a huge stack of books on sexual addiction for himself. He almost completed one (he never read the rest) and I read every last book and then ordered more books to help me in my own recovery. I have made myself my main focus for the most part and when I haven't I have been willing to face that and redirect. Then he made a snide remark that that's all I ever do is work on myself. WTF! Now, I'm criticized for taking too much responsibility for myself (he apologized later). It just feels like I'm being screwed with, all with the real intention to take us off SEX.

He keeps telling me that we need to schedule a time to talk about our sexual issues. He has an extremely busy schedule. He works long hours and he trains (athlete) several hours a week. We have scheduled times before and I don't think it works any differently. I understand what he is saying and at the same time it pisses me off because once we were no longer inhibited by our schedules when my daughter went to college, I was expecting we would have sex more frequently but instead it was less. What do you suppose his explanation for that was? That we used to have a schedule for sex based on when we saw each other. What the f@%k does desire have to do with being thrown off of some damn sex schedule? I'm supposed to fit my sexual desire in a schedule?

He pointed out that we both lost time last night in our personal recovery's due to me bringing the sex topic up. He told me what he had planned to focus on and he also saw that I had something sitting on the bed to look at. Now, we had both missed out on positive recovery because of me.

"Let's talk about sex."

"Oh, let's not!"

"Yes, I concur. I'm tired of the road to nowhere!."


ps I think I'll become a nun!

My First Love

Sex with my first love was really yummy. Filled with love and sensuousness.

One of our fellow bloggers mentioned that my first love "may" have been a love and sex addict on a thread over at the JWC. She said it based on a comment I had made specifically about him. Her insticts kicked in and she had the courage to say what she was thinking. I applaud and thank her for that.

My first thought was, no way, couldn't have been. I never, never felt objectified. I mean, n-e-v-e-r. Now, I respect this person and her own personal experience so I thought about it and opened myself up to the possibility that it might true. He wasn't a romancer with verbal declarations of love and flowers. He would just always want to be holding me, touching me, looking in to my eyes and wanted to be around me 24/7. He always held me like I was an absolute treasure. He wasn't much for words, in fact he had extreme difficulty verbally expressing his emotions. His eyes and his touch told me he could not believe that I was his. He felt like the luckiest guy ever. He couldn't even say the words I love you. If I asked him about it he said he shouldn't have to say it because he showed me all the time. All our friends were forever telling me how obviously in love with me he was. He was known as the guy with the big heart but getting the words from him was like pulling teeth.

I felt the most loved while we were having sex. The only way I have ever known to describe in words what it was like is that I could feel and hear his thoughts and feelings audibly inside my body. His love for me poured forth from every part of him. Every ounce of him was there with me.

I haven't read too much about the love addiction aspect of sexual addiction because there is so much to learn and understand that I focused on my husband and his expression of sex addiction.

Knowledge is power and after all I have been through in the last year, fantasy about anything in my life, if even in my memories is repulsive to me. I decided to explore the love addiction aspect. I do think he was a love and sex addict.

I was reading one man's account of his love and sex addiction and saw that he had a far greater sense of needing to create an emotional connection to the other person. In fact, he was often afraid of verbal expression and found expressing emotion far easier through sex. He talked about how much he wanted the women to know they were special and loved. The best way he could do that was to love them through sex and he genuinely(so he thought) felt a sense of love for them. It was in loving them and in them feeling that love conveyed that he got his high. It was about the other person feeling loved more than anything else. It escalated into other things over the years but that is how it started for him - loving that one special person...the one. And each new woman was "the one" as the years went by.

There were too many correlations for me to ignore. I'm sure he was. I cried upon it really sinking in. I felt a strange mixture of loss and wisdom. Somewhat of a loss of innocence and yet I feel that it unlocked something inside me too...a release of something. I feel a sense of freedom but I can't put it into words yet.

*** I'm taking a red pill daily for a continued dose of reality.

Defining My Strength

My strength is not in staying and fighting to hold on to my marriage. I’ve done that before.

I stayed in my first marriage for 17 years – fighting to save it all the while. I had this belief that I had to know, that I knew, that I knew, that I knew…..that if I left, there was no stone unturned in trying to make it work. If I walked away I wanted to know I had done all there was to do. I never wanted to look back and wonder: what if I would have done this or that? What if I would have been more compassionate? What if I would have…anything that I may not have thought of before leaving? When I left I was so done, in fact about five years past the point of being done. I kept looking at myself and changing things that needed addressing. I reasoned it was my only hope, to focus on my own issues and maybe, just maybe something would shift in him. Maybe it would work after all. It didn’t and I finally learned to leave. It was time to leave. I had the courage and the strength to leave. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I know I needed to do it and have no regret about my decision to stay for so long. God, but it was hard, really, really hard. It was a marriage of silent long suffering for me. I have a daughter (a lovely young woman) from that marriage and she was my motivation to keep the family together.

In knowing that I wouldn’t or even couldn’t have done it any other way, I also know that I don’t want to live out the rest of my years in a state of long suffering. I don’t want to measure the success of my life by being able to hold myself up and manage to have some kind of life for myself in the midst of madness. I grew up in madness and learned well how to find the gem, the jewel, that pearl in the midst of the wreckage of a life my parents were creating for us all. I loved them and grew to understand them as a child. I knew they never meant to hurt us - we hurt because of their hurt. It spilled all over us and sucked us in. In my suffering I looked to be a better person from their mistakes and to understand myself so life could be different for me. I didn’t want to be like my parents. I haven’t been but in many ways I’m still that child trying to make it better…trying to find peace and serenity in an unhealthy situation.

I promised myself that I would never repeat the dynamics of my first marriage again. Anything that was that hard and took that much work just couldn’t be right. Being away from him was such a relief. After our divorce any time we had to speak he would tell me, “You know you made a big mistake divorcing me. You know you want me”. He always wanted to tell me what I was thinking. I would ignore him and bring the focus back to our child. I was trying to have things be the best they could so I kept quiet. The next time he said it something in me just snapped. I said, “Divorcing you is the best thing I have ever done for myself. You were sand paper to my soul - like a vulture pecking at my flesh every day of my life”. He hung up on me. He never made that ridiculous statement to me again. We actually got along better and he seemed to understand that he wasn’t going to get away with that kind of bullshit anymore. It was a lesson in what was good for me was often good for everyone. He was more respectful and I felt good about standing up for myself (trust me, reasoning with him would not have stopped it – the harsh bluntness did). Obviously, it benefited our daughter as well.

My strength is not in being strong enough to hold up in the midst of madness and to be long suffering. “I’m strong. I can take it. Let me find that patch of happiness in this hell”. I’ve done it for so much of my life. I won’t and can’t do it for the rest of my life. I understand why I’m here. I know I have this horrible wound from my childhood that wasn’t being addressed. I’m addressing it now. I’m excavating all that stands in the way of finding my way to being whole. I’m daring to face myself. This is my strength and what keeps me going. It is a process for both of us. I’m willing to be patient with him and myself on the path to recovery. What I’m not willing to do is live life from a place of constant re-wounding. I feel deeply committed to working the process. If I stay I want the same thing back from my husband. He seems to be in that place over the last several weeks. His process can look different than mine. He doesn’t have to do it my way.

Life has felt heavy. The weight of it was been hard to bear at times.

I give my husband his freedom in my heart every day - freedom to walk his own path. I realize I haven't been giving myself that same freedom. I’m trying to figure out what I should do with all of this that is happening in my life. I’m trying to understand everything. I'm searching too hard and trying to make myself better. I just need to be free every day in my own heart. I don’t have to look for the pearl, search for it, hunt for it in the wound.

I am the pearl. I am my freedom. I am my strength. It has nothing to do with what I do. It has to do with who I am.

I’m deleting the sites and links my husband forgot to erase from the computer that day. I understand why I kept them. I’ve been attached to and honoring my wound (the horror of it all) more than honoring who I am. I’ve been struggling to hold on to myself in the midst of the madness but I’ve been here all along.......

My strength is in knowing, being and living who I am.

Recovery, Relapse and Choice

warning - This may trigger you, make you angry at me or you may think I am clueless (and I could be). I feel jumbled about it but am going to go ahead and process it here.

The subject matter has been brewing in my head for days. Seeing my blogging pals dealing with their husbands acting out in the last couple of days (who knows if mine is) has brought it to the forefront me.

I'm feeling kind of lousy about this relapse business. It seems that sex addicts have constant relapses. Or are they just getting caught again? Did they ever stop? What if the addict plans and looks for opportunities to act out? Did the relapse occur at the point of acting out or the planning stage? What if the acting out is completely unplanned? Slip? What responsibility does the addict have to know and recognize their early warning signs? What part of it is chalked up to uncontollable addiction?

What are the signs of true recovery? Is there ever a point where the addict has learned to manage and deal with their inner world? How possible is it to pick up the splintered pieces of their being and become an integrated person? How is success measured and what are the odds that recovery will remain intact? Is it just about abstinence and avoiding acting on your impulses? 90 days? 1 year? 10 years? What is recovery? What is the goal of recovery? To never act out again? Is it different for each person, each couple?

We know that it isn't really about sex but it is used to escape inner feelings of inadequacy, being unlovable, etc. Stopping the action is only the first step. From what I have read by the time the addiction is ruining the addict's life their secret life has been fused to their original life. Often it has become bigger than life itself. In recovery the addict sets out to realize that they are not their addiction. I agree they are not and it seems a good start at being able to feel good enough about oneself to take those early painstaking steps. Here's the thing that is bugging me - I keep thinking, whatever addiction a person is faced with, they may not be able to control the addiction but they are not their addiction and do have the power of choice. Do they or don't they?

I have seen the addict in my husband. He doesn't think or act like my husband. In terms of alcohol addiction after abstaining for a time my husband recognizes the addict in himself and does something about it when it shows up. I'm talking about the basics - not drinking. I'm not talking about deep soul searching but knowing how to stop from giving himself permission to entertain the possibility that he can drink safely or just this one time. He knows if he sees a beer commercial and his mouth waters he needs to do something about it. If he starts to feel like life is giving him a raw deal even when he is being a good boy so why not just be a bad boy, he knows he needs to do something about it. I don't know exactly what goes on in his mind but he will go off to meditate, run or go to a meeting. Once the urge settles down he goes deeper inside to see what is really bothering him. When he relapsed a few years ago he basically got angry at God and made the choice to not care about staying sober. Where does the powerlessness come in? In taking the first step to knowing you can't control the disease....but can't we control our choices? We do have the power of choice, don't we? This is what keeps going through my mind.

I realize that it makes a difference as to how far the sex addiction has infringed upon your real life and how difficult it will be to stop the acting out in early recovery. It was a really hard thing for me to accept that it is normal to have slips in recovery. I have accepted that fact and do expect the possibility but at what point might it be an excuse? At what point does it indicate that the real issues are not being dealt with? Please don't think this refers specifically to any of your husbands - I'm trying to figure out where I stand with this and recognize my own personal boundary or limit to stay and support.

I imagine if I had continued to have Medusa episodes my husband would start to wonder if he could cope with and live with knowing it would happen again...and again. I certainly have my codie episodes but the extreme unbridled outbursts of emotion don't happen anymore. At one point, after several months my husband told me if I didn't stop verbally abusing him he was moving out. I stopped but my emotions continued and I started to see that I had to work this out from within myself. Acting out was only adding to my problems. I first tackled just keeping my mouth shut but then moved on to deeper feelings I had. I started remembering things about my dad. I realized the extent of the pain I had been carrying around for so many years. I have focused on my original wound, my original pain. Spewing at my husband kept me from facing the truth of my pain.

What started out as an attempt to not further abuse my husband or myself by my outer actions and words became an exploration in excavating all that keeps me from being whole and living a full authentic life. If we as codependents are not so different than the addict in the reasons we act out, it would seem we both have the same need to re-connect with the trueness of who we are. It's about reclaiming what is our heritage and rights as human beings. I don't believe we show up here all defective and screwed up. We have predispositions for sure and our early exposures trigger the weaknesses we live and struggle with.

When facing addiction or codependency I think it is important to know what our motives are for change. Why do we want to change this? What is driving us? Are we doing it to hold on to a person or to please another? How willing are we to face our compulsions and immaturity? How complete is our commitment to rebuiling and reclaiming the core of who we are? How willing are we to evaluate our motivations in an honest, courageous way?

No one can make us communicate honestly with ourselves. We have to choose it. It happens only by making a choice to do so. No one else can monitor our thoughts for us. The games we play with ourselves to stay connected to addiction and codependecy are hidden from others unless we share our thoughts. I believe that true recovery is anchored in being accountable to ourselves and being brutally honest when we look in the mirror. Recovery failure is not about our inability to abstain from a particular behavior but from an inability to know ourselves and manage our internal emotional world. So, we need to replace our old unhealthy learned emotional management with more effective ways of coping. If not we will continually relapse, re-commit, relapse, re-commit in an endless cycle. Personally, I know I need to watch for my early warning signs. I'm doomed if I don't. I've gotten in the habit of reminding myself to tell myself the truth everyday. The biggest demons we face are not from the outside world but the very private ones that exist within us. Especially the ones we try to hide from ourselves.

A realistic measuring stick for recovery (for me at the moment) as a person and as a couple would be to look at these three factors:

Motivation
Commitment
Honesty

I've really needed to discover what recovery means for me in terms of my husband's addictions. This picture might change but it is the closest I have come to knowing what recovery looks like to me. From the inside out.

Getting Real

The last time I saw my therapist/NET practioner she was explaining to me why it has taken my husband so looooong to start truly wholeheartedly working the AA program again and why he has not jumped headlong in to exploring his sexuality. She told me that my husband never hit his bottom with either addiction (which is probably just all the same addiction expressed through 'whatever'). He responded to my bottom. He knew I was walking out the door. My words were not meant to control or manipulate. I told him my position and gave him the opportunity to make his own decision but it was definitely my bottom. She told me that it can often take them longer to get to the place of no longer mentally bargaining with themselves.

My husband told me that he had been going through this mental conversation in his head several weeks ago before he headed back to AA. He was reasoning that on all accounts the alcoholic that relapses after several years of sobriety experiences a far more hellish time than the first time around and each subsequent relapse gets worse but that didn't happen to him.....he reasoned that maybe it meant he could handle drinking after all. This is the thought that sent him back to AA. At least he realized what a dangerous game he was playing with himself. He's doing pretty well and I'm noticing sparks of the man I fell in love with.

The further away from obsessive thinking I get the more clear my world gets for me but it isn't so pretty at times. I can see so clearly how the addiction affects our life together across the board. It's made me feel depressed and somewhat defeated of late. I am not carrying as much optimism but instead feel overburdened by realism. I have the added situation of my health to the picture of my world. Stress is a trigger for my illness and my doctor makes a point to tell me to keep life as stress free as possible (uh-huh).

It feels like I have an enormous mountain in front of me and that I have traversed such a short distance in the last year as if I have lead boots on my feet. My current existance is vastly different than the life I would choose for myself. It's exhausting to not have your personal life line up with your values or who you sense as your true self. I told my husband over the weekend that I know he is doing all he can but that I need to know if he intends to just deal with his sexuality through AA or if he plans to go to a therapist with me, SA or some other form of recovery. He said he will do more but he really needs to work with the drinking right now. He said he is on the fourth step and is currently working on his sexuality. He said he would share with me as soon as he gets some of it sorted out.

I really do need him to talk to me about things. I can't read his mind. He is what I observe - it's all I have to go on. What has changed inside of him since he stopped looking at porn? How does it change his world? What kind of understanding has he gained? Is he stopping for himself?

There is a feeling of him holding things tightly to him that he knows will cause possible conflict. He needs to understand that this causes me to feel distrustful. It is connected to sex and our finances. I see the same pattern. It's a feeling of offering insight only when there is proof. He needs to understand that I can't be left out in the dark. I need the gift of honesty. He needs to share with me so we can both move on. I have questions to ask, questions he needs to explore and find the answers to.....answers that will help us put the pieces of our life back together. Hopefully, better than before. One not built on illusion. No more secrets....no more loopholes.......no more incongruence. I want a foundation built from sharing our true selves, having courage and focusing on living from a healthy core.

One Year Mark

I’m coming up on the one year mark of discovering my husband’s porn use. I have a lot of mixed emotions surrounding it. The year seems to have flown by and yet time has also stood still. It reminds of how I felt on the anniversary of my mother’s death. It felt like only yesterday that I spoke to her and it also felt like a lifetime.

Most people seem to know the exact date of their discovery. I know around the date, the last days of Sept. I’m remembering how I felt then and how I feel looking back on it. The day I found it I created a new email box, copying and pasting every site that was in my computer history. They still sit there today. I’ve probably gone to that email box four times over the last year. One of those times was yesterday. I never re-look at what he was looking at. I just stare at the web addresses and links in the mail. I still remember what videos he looked at. I remember the color of their hair, their body shape and what they may or may not have been wearing. I remember what they were doing. I remember what they said. I remember that the men had no faces.

I talked about it at group last night. I didn’t know why I still had the links. I thought I was going to delete them yesterday but I didn’t. I wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to erase something that has been so horrible for me. Why would I even want to keep them? To my surprise there were several women that had kept things from their discovery or series of discoveries that brought the addiction to light. Amongst those items were, phone bills, anonymous letters, wrapped condoms, websites, a piece of jewelry and the list went on. I asked why. The response was unanimous – it was a moment of truth that they didn’t want to forget no matter how painful. A moment of understanding all that had seemed so confusing. They didn’t want to have the truth taken away from them again and this is why they held on to those things so their minds couldn’t be fooled again. So, it could never be minimized. Never be washed away with words.

I heard their words but felt no recognition from within myself. No aha moment. Maybe it’s too deep – locked away somewhere that I can’t access. Maybe my reason is different than theirs. Yesterday I wanted to delete it all but I just couldn’t do it.

Several of the women in my group are going away for a weekend of play. It will be on the anniversary weekend of my discovery. I want to run away from it. At the same time I have this thought that he will be looking at porn while I am away but this time I’ll never know.

I’m going away anyway.

As MPJ Would Say...the Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

My husband told me he knows he didn't handle things well with the dental bill. He says he doesn't want to live this way anymore. He sees how far these type of situations put us back and knows that I am suffering from it. I told him that I realize he creates loopholes for many things in our relationship and his personal world. He seemed surprised. In the 12 steps they teach you to change your attitude if you can't change the situation. This suggestion can be skewed and used in a dysfunctional way. It can be used through the eyes of an adult 'child'. Most of us had to do this in our own childhood's to survive. I know I did. It's a way of working around the problem person in the best way we know how. It's a way to not feel so much a victim. To not feel so powerless. We have to do this as children but it doesn't serve us as adults. I know I've done it as an adult. I don't want to. I know this is what my husband does with his ex-wife. I told my husband I can't live this way anymore. I don't even care anymore why he does it or the sense it makes in his mind. It sucks and it's crazy.

I named off some things that I see him possibly doing financially that we cannot afford with his ex and son - things that he might squeeze under the loophole umbrella. It was interesting that even though he said he didn't want to live this way anymore he did not deny one thing I listed off to him. I saw the recognition in his eyes to the truth of my words. I told him he has to face the choice of the financial amount he already committed and realize that he is not going to be able to do many things he might have wanted for his son due to this fact. It is a direct result of his original decision. I'm not going in to debt over this.

My husband didn't drink for 10 years. 6 of those years we were together. He picked up a drink 1 year after we married. Last October I found out that he had been looking at porn for 10 years. In May, he was diagnosed as a sex addict. Two nights ago was the first time it hit me that my husband has never been sober. He has been an active addict the entire time we have been together. Odd, that I never had that thought until now. I guess I have my own sense of denial. I said it to my husband......he shook his head as if to refute me but stopped. I could see that it had not crossed his mind either. I felt how much he hated my words.

What that also means is that I too have been an active codependent the whole time without knowing it. It isn't possible that I wasn't. Neither one of us was as healthy as we thought of ourselves or one another.

Hard pill to swallow.....aah well, as MPJ would say, are you going to take the red pill or the blue pill?

* This is dedicated to and in honor of MPJ at A Room of Mama's Own, for her wisdom and insight into The Matrix (MPJ, I don't know how to link it).

As Neo reaches for the red pill Morpheus warns Neo "Remember, all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more."

Why is the choice between what we believe we know and an unknown 'real' truth so compelling? How could a choice possibly be made? On the one hand, it is everyone we love and everything that we have built our lives upon. One the other the promise only of truth.

Is reality and truth worth pursuing? What I see so clearly in this moment is how much I am still in the dark - how much I don't know. I can't turn back from the unknown. I don't know what that truth is. It is calling me........calling me to risk. Calling me to doubt. Calling me to question and look for answers even if I don't like what I find. Calling me to gamble my whole life and world on a reality that I have never fully experienced but realize I have only glimpsed. Calling me to the light....

The red pill, please.....I'll take it as many times as I need to.

Swimming In a Sea of Loopholes

When everything came to a head I felt like I was living in a house of mirrors - everything was distorted. I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. I felt as if I had pulled a chair up to the Mad Hatter's tea party in order to surive what my life had become. Things are becoming clearer but I don't really like what I am seeing. I'm swimming in a sea of loopholes my husband creates for himself. I thought the loophole pertained to his sexuality but now I see that he has loopholes all over our life together. They are so numerous they threaten to strip me of my mental and emotional sanity. In this sea of loopholes, I'm trying to keep my head above water but the loopholes look like nooses threatening to grasp me by the neck. Threatening to choke all hope for life out of me.

We have an ongoing issue about money and his ex-wife. She is extremely demanding and treats my husband like a loser even though he has always provided for 90% of their son's expenses. He made a decision in recent months while still drinking that is going to put us under extreme financial duress for at least four years (I now suspect longer since I no longer believe he will stand by his boundary). To make matters worse he never talked to me about it before he made the commitment. I found out after it was locked in - intentionally, I am sure.

He doesn't want to suffer the consequences of her wrath which can feel like some sort of medieval torture translated in to emotional torture. I was furious and made him put everything in black and white for me. I asked repeatedly if he had given me all expenses and that nothing was hidden. I didn't want future surprises as his decision made me aware that he is willing to sacrifice his own financial security when faced with his ex-wife's demands. He promised he would stand by these boundaries and he hasn't. I just found out he gave his ex-wife a signed blank check! He agreed to pay the entire co-pay for the extraction of his son's wisdom teeth. He never asked what the co-pay was but came up with an imaginary figure that he was comfortable with. The check bounced - it was for $900.00. His imaginary figure was 150.-200. If we had the money for him to take on all these expenses alone I wouldn't care but we don't. I never knew what he did until the dentist's office called.

These days I live with finding my water turned off and my cable shut off. My HOA is always paid late with a fine. This has been going on since his wife took him to court and pretended she earns no money. Don't ask me how but she never even had to show her tax return. My husband volunteered to keep us in this situation by taking on beyond what should be expected of him financially for college. It's not a problem of not earning a decent income but one of not living within your means. When discussing this latest expense he casually told me that he is bound to pay 80% of all medical while their son is in school. He acted like I should know this is true. It isn't true and I got his agreement out to confirm it. He should voluntarily pay half, but all of it? That's bullshit. He is providing his son with medical coverage and paying 100% of his yearly meds for ADD (not cheap).

I desperately keep trying to find a place to start to build trust with my husband. I think I am and then it blows up in my face. What I thought was real isn't. The black and white agreement he gave me is meaningless. Why would he give her what she demands? Why would he either omit information of his intentions to me or ignore his commitment to me? Why would he risk the trust we are trying to build? Why would he possibly forget his intentions and boundaries in the midst of his ex-wife's demands? Why would he give a blank check to a woman that he knows has no moral integrity or concern for his welfare? Because he hates confrontation. Confrontation is one of the worst things to him. I realize this is part of his addiction. He will avoid it at any cost. In the moment all sense of consequences goes out the window. Only the moment matters and avoiding his inner pain. Avoiding someone thinking less of him. Avoiding someone telling him he isn't good enough. Avoiding letting someone down. Avoiding being berated.

I'm swimming in a sea of loopholes. I should be grateful that it is no longer a house of mirrors. In the house of mirrors I thought I could find the truth of our marriage. I can't. Trying to makes me crazy. I should be grateful that I am not drowning. I'm swimming. A noose hasn't caught me yet but I'm tired. I realize that nothing in this sea of loopholes is any more real than the moment it happens. The truth is as fluid as the water I'm swimming in. I can't count on anything. There is no place for my feet to plant themselves within our relationship...no resting place in my marriage.

I need to find that place within myself that can grow roots. I need to find my own oasis - my own private island to find comfort in.

Last night I climbed inside my closet and sobbed. Oddly, I could not handle the open space in the room on the other side of the closet. It felt safe in there...like a cocoon.

The Waltz of the Addict

This is from the comment section of my last post. I thought it was worth giving it a post of it's own.

MargauxMeade said...
Lately, my husband has been telling me that he sees himself as two people--the real Mark and the addict. He'll say things like, "My addict tells me to do such and such." And it's so true--it really is like another person is taking over his mind. And it's frightening to see just how cunning and convincing that other person can be.


Margaux,

My husband said the same thing - he feels like he has two sides. It's what allows the secret world to go on. It doesn't feel to me that it is another aspect of who the addict truly is, but more like a splintered off part from early trauma. A distorted version of the true self (an imposter) that whispers in the addict's ear, "I'm here for you, I'll rescue you and save you from all your fears and pain. Trust me - I know what's right for you". I feel like it isn't even my husband when he starts talking to me from that place.......I just see the "face of addiction" and realize it is impossible to reach him in that reality. I think I am starting to grasp the seductiveness of it all for the addict. Once they start the waltz in their mind it is hard for them to know what is real and what isn't.

Willow